Ranboo One Shots (Ft. Philza and Technoblade)

The Bald Kings

➳Thank you @Directionally_Challenged on ao3 for the idea. I tried to give your headcanon justice. :D
(also when something is in italics it's Ranboo's inner thoughts)

---➳

Ranboo had a long list of insecurities. His height, his eyes, his hybrid-ness, but especially his hair, well his nonexistent hair.

See, Ranboo was bald. His enderman hybrid-ness prevented him from growing any. At first, he didn't care, it was just hair. But after seeing Tommy's blond fluffy cloud of hair, and Technoblade's long pink hair, he felt the tiniest twinge of jealousy. He envied his friend's hair, so that's why Ranboo bought a wig. It was half black and half white. It was fluffy and soft, almost like normal hair. He wore a beanie for months so people could assume he was growing out hair. When he finally "took off" the beanie and put on the wig it appeared that his hair had grown out over the last few months. No one knew that Ranboo was bald, and he was planning on keeping it that way.

Ranboo checked his journal check-list. He had fed Jjjjjjjjeffrey, met up with Philza for tea, and cleaned his house. All he had left was training with Technoblade. Ranboo internally groaned, Techno was going to crush him in PVP again.

Ranboo started the trek to the Antarctic Empire. He didn't remember why he agreed to let Techno train him. According to his journal, Technoblade was a friend. And he trusted his friends.

Ranboo knocked on Techno's cabin door. A disgruntled pig hybrid opened the door.

"Hello!" Ranboo greeted, trying to be friendly.

"Oh it's you," Techno said, pulling out a diamond ax.

Ranboo slowly backed away.

"Ya ready for training?"

"Um... sure?"

"Great, follow me," Techno instructed. He took Ranboo to a clearing at the back of his house, surrounded by spruce trees. Ranboo pulled out his shield, showed, and threw on his chest plate. Technoblade never used armor when training, Ranboo tried not to take it as an insult.

"You want to put on your helmet?" Techno asked.

Ranboo had forgotten about that. His wig didn't fit neatly under the helmet, so he normally fought without the wig. He couldn't exactly remove his wig in front of Technoblade unless he wanted to be exposed. He shook his head.

Techno sighed and brushed a few stray hairs out of his face. "Whatever you say, kid, now square up."

Techno attacked first, Ranboo narrowly dodging his swing. Technobalde had been expecting that though and swung his ax to try and attack Ranboo from behind. Ranboo ducked, feeling the ax whiz over his head. Ranboo staggered back, backing away from Techno's aggressive swings.

"Kid, you're going to need to make an attack at one point," Techno said, looking at his cowering pupil.

"You're going to chop my head off!" Ranboo protested. Ranboo did not want to go through the pain of a respawn.

"Gee kid, I have more control over this ax than you think. I can stop myself."

Ranboo hesitantly squared his shoulders to face Techno. He trusted Techno wouldn't accidentally kill him. Techno never lied.

The boy pointed his sword at the pig hybrid and charged, shield in front, and fueled on adrenaline. Ranboo had no idea what he was going to do if this worked, but that was for the future.

Techno had not expected a sudden attack from Ranboo and barely sidestepped his charge. Ranboo fell to the forest floor; his sword flying out of his hand. Techno watched the sword slide across the clearing and turned to Ranboo with a manic smile on his face.

Oh no

Ranboo scrambled to his feet and started sprinting to the sword. Techno was close, but Ranboo was too focused on retrieving his sword to see the enemy. Ranboo lunged on the ground, reaching out to grab the sword.

Ranboo felt a hand smashing into the back of his head. The boy's face was pushed down to the ground, nose smashing into the dirt. Ranboo groaned.

Techno's hand, still gripping Ranboo's hair, pulled the boy's face back. To his surprise, Ranboo's hair came flying off. Techno immediately panicked, dropping the wig back onto Ranboo's head. It was too late, the damage had already been done.

Ranboo buried his face in his hands, refusing to look at Techno. He felt so violated, even if it was an accident. He started sobbing, just adding to his humiliation. This is so embarrassing. Oh good oh gee oh man. I need the Panic Room.

Techno leaned down and whispered in a surprisingly calm voice to Ranboo, "Can I hug you?"

Ranboo nodded. Technoblade picked up the crying boy from the ground and hugged him. Techno gave good hugs, for being such an intimidating guy.

Ranboo sobbed into Techno's chest. Techno whispered apologies into Ranboo's ears. He patted the boy's back awkwardly. Ranboo calmed down and sat down next to Techno.

"I'm so sorry Ranboo. It was an accident, I swear. I had no idea you were bald," Technoblade said.

"I forgive you. I haven't really told anyone..."

"Why?"

"I'm sort of insecure about it- I mean everyone here has hair and I didn't want to stick out and I'm the only bald one here, I guess it's silly..." Ranboo blubbered.

"Ranboo, Ranboo, calm down," Techno said, interrupting Ranboo's tangent. "It's not silly to be insecure."

"Yeah but... I just don't want to stand out more than I have to."

Technoblade paused for a moment. "Well you won't have to be bald alone," Techno said, pulling off his pink wing to reveal his bald head and small pig ears. "I don't have hair either because I'm a pig hybrid."

This made sense, Ranboo had no idea why he thought Techno had naturally pink hair. Ranboo smiled. "Can I hug you again?" The boy asked.

Techno nodded. Ranboo hugged his friend tight. They ended training early that day, Techno inviting Ranboo over for tea.

They sat in the cabin living room on the sofa, in front of the crackling fireplace. The room was decorated with paintings and war trophies. Ranboo contemplated writing a journal entry about the incident. Did he really want to remember though?

"Hey kid- catch," Techno said, throwing Ranboo a golden object. Ranboo looked at what Techno had thrown him. It was a golden crown, encrusted with small emeralds and rubies. Ranboo's jaw dropped.

"Don't be so shocked kid. I was thinkin' we could be bald kings together,'' Techno laughed.

"Thank you!" Ranboo exclaimed. He hugged his friend for the third time that day. (Ranboo really liked Techno's hugs) Now instead of the wig, he wore a crown. Ranboo later wrote a journal entry about the day's events. He wanted to remember what happened.