A Promise (An Attack on Titan Fanfic: Erwin Smith)

Feelings of the Past

"Do you still love her?"

The question never left Erwin's mind. 

It was probably already 1 o'clock in the morning, and the blond was still sitting by the desk of his temporary office, thumbing through documents. Yet, while his hand was focused on scribbling down on the paper that he was going to be sending to the General before the council meeting, his trail of thoughts have been relentlessly drifting back to a certain woman. 

"... Pardon?"

Marie chuckled at his reaction. She was sitting beside the blond, the both of them having been engaged into a friendly chat on their usual table in the bar. It was a local holiday and they were closed so there weren't any customers, but she had still welcomed both Erwin and Nile inside. The latter had excused himself earlier because he remembered Instructor Koch had given him an errand to bring enlistment files from the Garrison department building, leaving only Erwin and Marie in the bar. 

"I said," the girl repeated with one of her trademark sweet smiles, "I like you, Erwin."

The blond stared at the girl with an unreadable expression, her sudden confession catching him off-guard. She didn't seem like lying. 

As Erwin stared at her emerald-green eyes, he was suddenly drowning in his thoughts at a forked pathway: one that led to his childhood dream and uncertainties of death in the Survey Corps, while the other pointed to a stable life within the walls with his first love. 

For a second, Erwin hesitated. 

Only for a second. 

"I'm honored." He finally found his voice back, looking at Marie. "But I cannot accept your feelings."

However, as much as how Erwin fancied the ginger woman sitting beside him, he could not allow himself to be sidetracked from his dream. Because to him, his dream took precedence above everything else - even his own life. Building emotional relationships while on this trip to death's door was a curse he could not afford for anyone to endure.

Erwin knew he wasn't the man who could give her the happy life she deserved. Marie was a good woman, just not for him. 

It seemed his response was something Marie had expected, since she only gave him a melancholic smile. 

Then, she leaned forward to kiss him. 

Erwin stiffened as the ginger softly pressed her lips on his cheek, right at the corner of his lips. A mush of surprise flooded in his mind in that brief contact, and it felt forever until Marie pulled back. 

Erwin had let go of his pen and ran a frustrated hand through his messy blond locks, sighing for the umpteenth time that hour as he shut his eyes in thought. 

He was not supposed to be acting like this. He had left those vulnerable emotions in the past, shutting down any emotional distractions and relationships; it was a hindrance he no longer wished to allow to take over him. 

But as Isanna walked down those stairs with that dress, while ginger locks framed her face the night before, Erwin found himself questioning his feelings once again. For a short, impulsive moment, he actually saw Marie in Isanna's disguise - a thought Erwin hated himself for having. 

Isanna was different, and she could never be Marie. 

Erwin knew that. 

A brief memory of Isanna's pained expression while she stared at him flashed in his mind.