Touch Me- Sakusa Kiyoomi

Takuya Kenji's Letter

It's been a few days since I was summoned to the hospital by Kenji's parents.

I haven't touched a single cent of the new money that now sits in my bank account. The day after I met with his parents, Sakusa helped me take everything that's mine from Kenji's house and put it in my own. I didn't take the clothes he bought though.

Sakusa asked me to stay longer at his home, so we also packed some clothes and other necessities from my home and brought them back here.

I also have been putting off opening the second envelope that was given to me.

I pull it out of the nightstand, deciding that there's no use in waiting anymore. I sit up on the bed, pulling out papers.

Ah, it's a letter. Hand written too. I take a deep breath, starting to read over the words.

Dear Keiko Misaki,

I understand that I have no right to make you listen to my words, however, I hope you read this through.

When I first met you, I was immediately absorbed into your personality. You were affable, nice, had a heart of gold, and forgiving. At times when you were excited, you got loud. When you got happy your eyes and nose would crinkle and I thought it was so beautiful.

I fell in love with you the first time I talked to you. The best day of my life is still the day you agreed to date me. I will forever cherish the good memories we've created with each other these past few years.

I've told you many times that your smile is one of my favorite things about you. Man, if only you knew how many times I fell in love with you all over again due to your smile alone. It's honestly in my top 3 favorite sights in the entire world.

I fell so in love with you that I began to get paranoid of losing you. Every guy that looked at you or tried to start a conversation with you, seemed like they wanted to take you away from me. I know it's not true, and that the majority of them weren't flirting with you. Though...I still forced you to stop talking to them at one point.

I began being horrible to you. I hit you, forced you to do things you probably didn't want to do, regulated your clothing, and so much more. All because I was afraid of losing you. You hardly even complained too. You still reassured me that you loved me, and that you'd never leave my side.

I wonder now...did you ever stop meaning it when you said those words? How many times were your 'I love you's said out of fear? It's a thought that now eats at me when I think about it.

I'm sick. I'm sure you found that out long before I realized it. There's something wrong with me, I've only come to realize that after I left to study in America.

Now, I'm not writing this to you so you can pity me. Nor do I expect you to forgive me. I never want you to forgive me for what I've done to you. Even if I come knocking on your door and beg (which I won't, I promise I'll leave you alone), do not forgive me.

I sincerely hope that you find someone who can love you better than I do. Please, for the love of god, never date anyone similar to me.

I've taken away your happiness, haven't I? I wish you find someone who can bring it back. Someone nice, and not insecure or sick like me. You deserve that.

I assume my parents already gave you the money, and I hope you use it. The majority of the time I was bad to you or harmed you, it took place in your home. I'm sure it's filled with nothing but bad memories for you. If that's the case, please move. Move far, far away if you want to. I gave you more than enough to even move overseas if that's what you wish.

I'm sorry you had to hear through my parents first that our relationship was going to end, though I'm sure you were relieved either way. I know it's selfish of me to take you off the list of people who can visit me, seeing as you're the one who's been through the most. However, I don't think I can see your face anytime soon. I don't trust myself to keep my promise of leaving you alone if I did.

I've already written about how your smile is my favorite. The last time I seen you, you hadn't even smiled in a week straight. Believe it or not, it hurt me. I knew that I was the reason your beautiful smile got taken away. I became more worried by the day that you'd try to leave me, and I just got worse and worse and worse.

I don't know what came over me when I pulled out that gun. I don't even remember putting in the combination to unlock the safe. I was beyond angry, and I didn't realize what I was doing until you smiled.

I had a gun to your head, and you fucking smiled and told me that you'd forgive me if I killed you. You said that if it made me happy, then you're okay with it. You told me that you'd be happy...

That beautiful smile that I love so much, came back only when you were about to be killed, by my own hands of all people. Hearing you say that, and seeing your face clearly, snapped me back to reality and I knew that I could never see you again after that.

I can't believe that I had broken you to the point where you would smile and say you'd forgive me for taking your life away. I can't believe that's what brought your smile back. I hate myself. I am so beyond disgusted with myself. I will never forgive myself for doing such a thing to you.

I'm sure you've heard already, but when I left the house I drove into a tree at the park. I didn't plan it, but when had I seen the tree I thought that the best way to protect you from me, was to get rid of myself completely. I never wanted to be the reason you were in pain again.

But, obviously since I'm writing this letter to you, it didn't work. I'm so sorry that it didn't work.

There's no amount of words that can express how regretful I am. Perhaps apologizing to you now means nothing, but I really do regret everything. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry.

On my good days, I often thought about how we could have been if I never got sick like this. I wondered how it would be to see you truly happy again.

The last time I seen you, the life was drained from your eyes. I really hope that if I ever see you again, it's been restored and that beautiful smile I love so much is resting on your face where it belongs.

I'm going to get the proper help I need, and I promise to you that I'll get better. I'm still going to get better for you. Though, I don't plan on ever asking you to date me again.

Once I'm better though, I hope you'll let me see you one last time. After that, I'll disappear completely from your life as soon as you demand it.

I just want to see you happy again. I know it's selfish of me to say, but I really do.

Keiko Misaki, thank you for loving me. Even when I was hurting you and just being the absolute worst person in your life, you loved me with all of your heart.

Being loved by you is by far the greatest honor of my life.

Even if you don't believe it, my love for you was always genuine. You're the type of person that one will love for the rest of their lives. I will love you for the rest of my life.

You have my word that I'll get better. I owe it to you.

I love you Misaki. I truly do love you so much.

I'm so sorry for hurting you.

~ Takuya Kenji

I manage to read the whole thing without crying, though my fingers shook and my eyes got watery various times.

But as I read his signature at the bottom of the last paper, I start sobbing. Even though the medicine I'm on numbs my body, I can feel this pain. It hurts. It's hurts so damn bad. The type of pain that doesn't have a physical appearance- it's the worse.

I clutch the multiple pages of paper to my chest, burying my head in the blanket that lays on the bed. I ended up sobbing so violently that I eventually threw up.

I was grateful that Sakusa was at practice during this time. I don't think I would have been able to face him.

Still holding the papers to me, I eventually fell asleep doused in my own tears.