Listen before I go

Chapter 1

And beware,the content of this story might contain some profanity and maybe some mature stuff but nothing a twelve year old can't read. Please try to keep an open mind when reading,I very open mind to be honest. Don't stop reading after a chapter or a paragraph doesn't go in a way you please,just keep going. I am trying to tell the story however best I can and make it all seem real so that we feel the urge to actually do something. Don't forget to read the little information at the end of the chapter,it's very important!.

Listen to "listen before I go" by Billie Eilish.
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Hey,I'm Billie. Well there's really nothing interesting for you to now about me but I'll brush you through my life so far.
Settle in and get a few tissue papers ready because people seem to always cry when I tell them my problems but I don't,I mean I'm the one facing the problem but I'm not crying yet you are?!.
Well, everyone's entitled to their emotions so yeah. Right,I said I was going to brief you. Well,here we go.

So my Name is Billie,Billie Winston. I was born in New York and I pretty much grew up here,in New York.

When I was a child,my mother and I were victims of domestic violence. My father,always beat us up. Mom got tired,mustered up some courage and left without saying goodbye to me,her dear little daughter. My dad,now even more angry that mom left, unleashed the rest of his anger on me,thereby beating me up every little chance he got. He always had his friends over for drinks and parties and one day,one of his friends decided his libido was too high for him to go home and so he used me,a child to satisfy his sexual urges. So basically,I was also a victim of child abuse or is it child rape?. Well, whatever.

A social worker found me and rescued me from my own father but apparently it was too late. I was already traumatized and the memories of the events that occurred in my father's house kept haunting me everywhere,even in my dreams and in my day dreams too. I lived a life of constant fear. 

When I became an adolescent,I realized that I don't have to live in this fear or live with this pain anymore,in fact I didn't even have to live at all!. So I tried commiting suicide, several times!. By hanging,self poisoning and whatever other way you could possibly think of!. But the social workers seemed to always be there at the right time or in my case,the wrong time. They suggested I go to school since they thought it was the loneliness that was contributing to me always thinking about suicide. So,they enrolled me in a high school.

That's when I realized how unfair life was. Everyone just made fun of me all the time and why? Because I prefer masculine clothes!. Don't get me wrong but I do love anything man . Most people think it's because I'm a 'tomboy'  but I know it's because of what I went through as a child. Wearing masculine clothes gave me some sort of masculinity which came with strength. In high school,I was almost non existent. If anyone ever spoke to me or even listened,it's because they need something or they just want to make fun of me. People kept mocking me, bullying me in the locker rooms, bathrooms and even in the hallway!. I started thinking of how I could just kill myself and it would all end,in fact,I tried to. I took an overdose of a very high drug and it almost killed me, actually,I did it several times. That's when my social worker realized I had high suicidal tendencies. So subsequently,I had to quit school,so I did.

Now I'm at home,my suicide tendencies gone higher now. I think they were right, loneliness just makes it worse. I guess being all alone exposed me to the messed up thoughts in my head.

"You know what?! I actually hope you do find someone who could actually help you because your therapists have given up on you and everyone else has too!" said Riley.
Oh,did I forget to mention her,well my social worker realized that being at home all alone was going to be worse for me so they hired someone to be with me at all times. This someone was supposed to be my friend,I mean can you imagine being friends with someone who's paid to be your friend?!.  You see,the whole point is for her to surround me with "positive energy" and give me good reasons for me not to overdose or hang myself. They also had to make sure I took my prescriptions and see my therapists. But I hated her, I hated the idea of it because since she was paid,she always said nice things but never the truth. So she said those words to me the day she packed up and was leaving.
"Well,I don't need anyone Riley! Why can't all of you just let me die?! And,stop pretending you actually care,I hate the facade" I said sarcastically, rolling my blue eyes.
"You know what,you're right! I don't care! I hope the next time I see you,you'll be in a coffin!" She shot back.
"The feeling's mutual bitch" I said and blew her a kiss "now get out of my apartment".

After she left,I kind of broke down. You see,no one had ever really cared about me,maybe just my social worker but she treats me like any of her other cases so,I don't really count her.

"Billie,this is the third person you've fired,when are you going to accept that you need help?!" My social worker,Miss Jean said when I told her what happened over the phone.
"Technically,she quit. I didn't fire her" I replied and laughed.
"Well,she gave me your reports and they don't look good. You don't go to the therapist anymore,you sneak out of the house,you don't take your drugs!,Billie, I've been handling your case for over eleven years now!, You really need to improve!. I'll tell you what, let's find you another family to take you in. Sound good?" She asked

You see,I have been taking in by about four different families in the course of eleven years. They were all willing to take me in until I made them grow sick of me. It's how I am,I don't want anyone getting close to me out of pity and everyone does so yeah,I don't like people!.

"No,Jean, thanks for your help but I'd just like to die now,so yeah,good night" I said sarcastically.
"Billie!" Miss Jean was beginning to lose her cool. She is the only person who had really stuck by me and I don't like hurting her but I can't control myself when I have these mood swings,you know. "Billie,you don't want a family, fine. Apparently you don't like me bringing you nice people to take care of you so I'll just bring you someone who won't take any of your nonsense and that's final!" She said and hung up.

So there you have it,I just pissed off the only person who could tolerate me. I often wondered why she hadn't given up on me yet but she said she had grown fond of me,much to my surprise.
So now I was just going to wait, wait for the next home care person who would be sent my way. I made a bet with myself that whoever it is wouldn't even last a month. I smiled at the thought and drifted off to sleep. Little did I know that the next person was going to be different, little did I know that he was going to change my life. Then again,no one knows what the future holds.

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Hey folks, thanks for checking this book out too!💕. I'm very very passionate about this one,I'm passionate about all my books but this one is actually going to bring to life some of the issues teenagers are facing and yet no one is talking ABOUT.

But mainly the mental health parts of it all,like the depression and stuff,I will take my time to explore different themes in the book but I hope you like it. The book will contain some mature content going forward but not the kind of matured content an 11 year old can't read so yeah,you're all welcome to journey with Billie.

Depression is real! Pain is real! No matter how we try to hide it and how many walls we build around ourselves to shield us from opening up about it,the more we would hurt!. We need to let them out,and we need to listen! You'll never know which of your friends is contemplating suicide,reach out! Listen,before they go💕🤞🏾.

Do share the book! We need to start conversations about certain things and I think this might be a good start. Feel free to let me know if there's any topic I mean anything at all that you'd like me to write about,I would love to hear from you!💕.Don't forget to vote ❤️