Listen before I go

Chapter 13; Breakthrough.

"Everything I wanted" by Billie Eilish .

"Billie!" Cole said. I turned around and found him looking at me worriedly. It had been a dream! A nightmare! I'm safe!,I thought. I embraced Cole and told him what I saw in my nightmare.
"Bill! It's alright. It was just a nightmare" he reassured me.
"I'll go get you water." He said and left.

I shivered,my thoughts began to take control over me again. The rape,the assault and everything I'd been through just began to flash before my eyes. I was getting overwhelmed with the pain. A voice in my head began to speak. "You're unclean.",It said. Another came up and Said "you don't deserve to be loved". I yelled for it to stop. I yelled my heart out,begging it to stop but it wouldn't. The voices just kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't control it anymore. I got up from the couch and walked Into the bathroom. I filled the bucket with water and I put my head in it. Suddenly the voices stopped  and only one remained.
"That's it,just a few minutes more and it'll all be over. It'll be over soon" it said and I kept my head it the bucket. I began to ran out of breath. Then I remembered Mrs Jean and Cole and I wanted to get my head out but then it began to feel like there was a hand pushing me deeper and deeper into the bucket. I tried to get out but I couldn't. I struggled ,I grew breathless. Cole! Cole! I said in my head. I begged for him to find me. I did all I could to come out of the bucket but it wouldn't budge. I tried to scream but all that came out of my mouth was water. The hand that seemed to be holding me into the bucket grew stronger and stronger. I just kept calling out Cole's name in my head. He has to hear me! My breaths began to fade,my eyes began to dim. I stopped struggling. Was I dying?.

Next thing I knew,I gasped!.
"Billie!" A voice yelled out my name! It was Cole.
"Cole! Cole! He,he,he was pushing me down. I-i- I swear I didn't want to do it! I swear I didn't ! He wouldn't let me out! He wouldn't!" I cried. I cried out my heart in pain.
"Who?" He asked.
"My father! That monster! He-" I tried to say.
Cole just held me closer to him. He made me warm tea and I rested my head on his lap for a while.

After I calmed down,he began to speak again.
"Bill, do the nightmares still come?" He asked.
"Yes,they do,once a while.its not as often as before but it's definitely more scary?" I told him. "Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in there,in my dream and then I end up having a panic attack in real life and it's so scary,it feels like I'm dying. It's also why I try to take my life Cole. I just think it'd be easier" I explained.
"Yeah you're right. It's totally easier. But you know what's easier? Calling for help. Billie!.,you could have called me! You can't just go around trying to kill yourself every time you have a nightmare." He scolded.
"Cole! I told you! I tried calling you! I did! But the water-" I began to speak.
"No! Before the water! When you were having the anxiety attack or whatever you call it!."
"Alright. Fine. I'm sorry." I apologized to him.

Cole decided whatever happened was too serious to be taken lightly. He called Mrs Jean and told her about what happened. She came rushing over to the apartment and she gave us both a long lecture!

"It's okay Mrs Jean. Cole was there! I'm fine now!" I said.
"Well today he was there. What if he takes a day off? What if you guys don't fall asleep on the couch but he decides to go to his home?! Then what?! You'll just end your life?! I thought you were getting better!" She scolded.
"Mrs Jean. I can assure you there won't be a next time. Billie is getting better!" Cole said.
"You've said that before! That's it! I'm getting the cameras installed." She declared.
"No! We said a month. So a month it is. And as for Billie,don't worry,I'm moving in" Cole declared.

I was filled with excitement!. Cole practically lived with me already but now he was moving in officially! He would keep his things in the other room and we would be roommates!. And so it happened. Cole brought in his things the very next day and since that night,he spent every night with me.

When I did have a nightmare,he would be there to wake me up. He would be there to comfort me. He would be there to put me back to sleep,I thought. The very thought of it was good enough for me,let alone him actually moving in!.

One night I had another nightmare. Cole was right there to get me out of my head before I had a panic attack again. He reassured me that everything was going to be alright. When I was still not okay,he did something wonderful!. Cole led me upstairs to the rooftop and we sat of the floor there. We stared at the stars and counted as much as we could. The breeze and the view from there was soothing to my very soul.

If I thought I was happy before,I'm happier now!.

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Being there for someone is more than just saying it. It involves going all out,taking all the risks,making the biggest decisions with the person's wellbeing in mind.

Nketia💕.