Listen before I go

Chapter 6; The argument

Then it all started to make sense,his perfect choice of words and how he seemed to know what to say and how to say it at what time to say it. It was all because he was a therapist!. I kept my cool and had a short conversation with Mrs Jean while Cole got himself a glass of water. After Mrs Jean left,I felt angry, betrayed that Cole would set me up for a therapy session after I trusted him. I confronted him.

"I trusted you and you betrayed me Cole!" I yelled out to him in the kitchen.
"Look,I can only do little to help you ok. I can try and be your friend but that won't change the fact that you're still suicidal and you're a drug addict and you need help!. It's help you need and it's help I'll get you!" He shot back.
"I do not need Help! Not from you,not from Mrs Jean,not from any therapist,not from anyone! I don't need anyone!" I yelled back at him,raged.
"Yes you do!. And until you accept that you're traumatized by your childhood,depressed and down all the time and get the needed help,you're never going to get better!" He yelled back.
"Oh no! You don't get to tell at me Cole! You're the first person I've actually liked in a long time and you stab me in the back! Do you know how hard it is to not be able to trust anyone? To not be able to have people around you that actually love you?! Do you know what it feels like to be alone?!" I screamed the questions at him. He fell silent for a while then spoke in a calmed manner.
"Look,I know how it feels alright and I'm saying-" he said.
"No you don't know how it feels! You don't know how it feels! You don't!. My own mother abandoned me! My father hated me! Nobody accepted me at school! I don't have friends! I don't have anyone to love or trust in my life!. You don't know how it feels to be scared of closing your eyes because of the nightmares that'll follow!And I become a burden to everyone that I meet. I break everyone I meet while they only try to fix me!. You have no idea what that feels like!" I screamed at him!.
He kept quiet,looked into my eyes and suddenly he looked determined. As if he was determined to do something that night.
"Well yes! You make yourself a burden to everyone! Yes you do!" He yelled back!. "I'm already fed up with you! You are so messed up and you don't even know it!" He screamed.
"Well them leave! Alright! I know I am messed up! I know! I was beat up and raped as a child, I've been traumatized by my childhood. School never accepted me and the streets rejected me too! I know no one wants me! It's why I want to just die but you people won't let me!" I burst out and began to cry.
"No you don't. I think we both know you have no intentions of actually killing yourself,I know it,you know it!"
"Oh yeah? How can you say that? In fact how dare you say that to me?!" I yelled.
"Well it's simple; you alwyas call someone before you attempt taking your life!. That proof that you want to improve! That you don't want to die! So why don't you let us help you improve Billie?!" He asked,tears filling his eyes.
"Well yes! Maybe you're right! Maybe I do it because it seems to be the only way people would come close to me! It's the only way for anyone to care about me! Maybe I'm scared of dying,maybe I'm not,I don't know! I feel like I don't even know myself anymore! But I do know this; all I've ever wanted is for someone to care about me, wholesomely! " O blurted out. I was in tears. Cole leaned in for a hug but I pushed him away,went in my room,shut the door and asked him to leave me alone while I faced my emotions. I wept bitterly that night. I had lost the ability to cry some years ago but now it seemed like it's all coming back to me. I had pushed away so much but now it was all right in front me again and I couldn't help but let it all out.

That night,I turned the shower on and let the cold water wash my skin completely. I retired to my bed and shut my eyes to sleep. But I couldn't,the nightmares returned. Every timei shut my eyes,there was a new nightmare in front of me. Suddenly I saw my father,he was beating me and my mother up,I saw the man who had taken advantage of me when I was a mere girl,the images of my painful days just kept flashing before me. I yelled out loudly for it to stop but it didn't. I couldn't open my eyes too. It seemed like I was trapped in my nightmares. I began to have a panic attack in the middle of it all. I couldn't breath,I couldn't shout,I couldn't move,I felt like I was dying.

Then I heard a voice,it was a man's voice,he was telling me to remain calm,it was him,it was Cole. Apparently,he never left when I asked him to. He stayed and now he was with me in my bed. He held me tightly as he reassured me it was just a horrible nightmare.

I followed the sound of his voice and I managed to find my way out of my momentary pain. My nerves relaxed,I calmed down. I didn't open my eyes thereafter,I just slept the night away.

____________________
Sometimes,we can resort to extreme measures to let the people we're close with open up to us. Sometimes we have to push them hard so that they bounce back alive!. But we must remember to be good people and comfort them afterwards.
Also,we cannot let a quarrel ruin our relationships. We must be willing to let go of our ego and comfort our loved ones even if they hurt us.

Nketia 💕