We all have our ups and down moments,were all depressed at some point in our lives!. But there are some who deal with depression on a daily basis, people who live a life of pain. They need our help,our attention,our care,even if they don't deserve i...
Hey y'all. Just so you know,some words in this chapter may be very identical to ones you've probably heard in a song. It's no coincidence. The words aren't mine totally but I used them because they inspired this chapter. Listen to some days by Tatiana Manaois 💕.
"Well,you want to talk about it?" Cole asked.
I lifted my head up and looked at his blue eyes. Even after everything,he forgives me and gives me another chance to be his friend. My eyes were filled with tears,I wrap my hands around him in a tight embrace.
"You're the best!" I told him. "Yeah,I know. Now let's get back to the part where you talk about your mood swings or whatever that was" he said. "Alright." I said and whipped away my tears. "So? What's wrong?" He asked me. "And hey,you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Alright?" "Alright. But I do. I want to talk about it." I said. "Well,let's hear it." Cole says. "First of all, i just want to say,I'm sorry and I didn't mean half of the things I said" I said. "Half? What part did you mean?" He asked with a sly smile on his face. "I meant the part about not wanting to go anywhere else. Honestly,some days I don't want to go anywhere at all. I just tag along because I want to be there for you too" I said. "Oh Billie" he tries to comfort me. "I don't know what's wrong with me even if I try so hard to figure it out " I said. "What do mean?" He asked
" I don't know why I'm so sad Cole! You make me so happy! I'm in a better place than I've even been in a very long time and yet I still feel sad sometimes! I just,I don't know why!. You know,once upon a time,I was happy Cole. Even if it was for just a couple of months,I knew happiness. One of the families Mrs Jean sent me to. They really liked me and I liked them too. I was actually happy but of course,as usual,I messed up,not once,not twice,so many times! Then after my attempted suicide,they just couldn't handle me anymore so they let me go. All that peace and love I used to have. I just lost it and replaced it with all this pain. " I broke down into tears.
"Oh Billie. Come here" he said and pulls me in for another hug.
"Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved you know. It's all my fault! I just push everyone away! And yet I keep trying to blame it on someone but I know I'm the problem not anyone else! I'm just a misfit in society! I mean you give me everything I need. You're the perfect friend! You surround me with all this positivity and happiness but by the end of the day I just end up pushing it all away! Pushing you away!" I cry out.
"No,no. You don't have to worry about that. You won't lose me. You won't. I know I said I can't promise but now I'm making you a promise. I will be there for you,you have nothing to worry about!" He said.
"All this overthinking and mood swings and nightmares and panic attacks! It's ,it's just too much for me Cole. Nobody even wants me around them! I really want to end it all but then I don't want to die. Not anymore." I held on tightly to him.
"Oh Bill. You have to love yourself enough to be okay even if no one wants you Bill. You are so wonderful and when you start to see it,you'll realize why no one deserves you. You're too good for them! You've got to love yourself too!" He said.
"Yes,I know that. With people always telling me I'm not good enough and always mocking me,I think I just lost the love I had for myself. Now I just think myself too worthless. But the self hate is heavy Cole. I don't want to carry it around anymore. The love,it's good. I know it'll help keep me grounded,I need it to keep me steady. All this pain,all this hate,I know it's unnecessary but I just can't help it!. I thought I was getting better but now it seems I'm still the same!" I said.
Cole scoffed then he spoke. "Are you kidding?! The same?! Of course not! The Billie I knew and the Billie I know,my best friend,they're both different people. You're so much better! Hey,don't let the bad days make you feel like you have a bad life. Bill,you are better! Look! You're even speaking about your feelings. That is so good!. Just let it all out. You'll feel better!" He assured me.
I turned around and layed on the couch with him,my head on his lap and I cried my heart out.
" I'm sorry if I keep hurting you. I am really sorry!. I thought I've moved on but apparently my past keeps haunting me. If I hurt you,I'm sorry. I just keep dealing with my past and my emotions. I just end up taking it all out on you." I told him.
"Of course! If not me,who else would you take it out on? No need to apologize" he said.
"That's why Cole,that's why some days I don't want to leave home,go out. I just feel so much pain,I don't want to go anywhere. I try to cry but it doesn't come out! The emotions just stay in bottled up in me!." I said.
"Well you could have just said so. Then we wouldn't go out so much" he said.
"I couldn't. You've always been there for me and when you needed some time off to have fun and forget about your pain, I couldn't be that selfish." I said.
"It's alright. Cry on now. Let it all out. We'll fix everything. Everything will be alright." He reassured me.
__________________ A shoulder to cry on. It's very necessary. Keeping emotions in might be a sign on strength but bottling them all up in so much so that a person can't even cry anymore,that is too painful and unhealthy too. We must allow ourselves to be there for our friends and loved ones when they decide to let it all out. Calling them names and mocking them as weak just because they cry is despicable. Sometimes though,it actually take the strongest people to let their emotions out.
Mood swings,a teenagers partner. It happens to everyone. And even tho some may act immune to mood swings,we all go through it. Some are just better at handling them than others. It doesn't make the latter weak. Blaming someone for something because of a mood swing is wrong. Mood swings are not intentional! We can't help it! It just happens! It's why we have to understand the people around us! It's not always that someone is in a good mood! We can't expect someone to be fun all the time! We should understand!
Nketia💕.
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