The Game called Love

FEELINGS

"I wish I could lose all the feelings as fast as I lost her."

It has been a week since I was personally invited by my  lover to her own wedding. I have been a part of every pre-marital ceremony like a good sister. I met her fiancé like a sister. I was there for her mehndi, I was there for the sangeet, I was there for her Haldi. I stood beside her when she was getting engaged.

Sometimes I think they know that she was going to run away with me and this is her parent's way of torturing me for it.

Every second of the last week has passed in pain, doubt, and thinking about 'what ifs'. 

 What if we were successful in running away? What if we lived in a world where we didn't have to run away? What if we had reached the paradise we had dreamed about? What if our wedding had not been illegal? What life would have  been if we were allowed to love whoever we wanted?

 What if this was our marriage? What if we were getting married?

What if the truth never came out?  What if she was ready to fight with me? What if she had decided to stand up to her family? What if our families were supportive?  Or what if we had never fallen in love? What if we had never even met?

OR the biggest what if. What if we had never tried running away? 

I know I should try to move on now that I know where our future is but how? How do I even try to forget all the beautiful memories we shared in the last five years. 

Every thing  reminds me of her. Everything either reminds me of what life was or what life could have been and I am stuck in the vicious cycle of wishing to go back in the past or to have the future I have always wanted.

All the love songs remind me about our relationship and all the sad songs remind me of our 'break up'. Tea reminds me how much she loves it and coffee reminds me how much she hates the taste of coffee. The colour blue reminds me of  her eyes and the fruit orange reminds me  of her favorite fruit. Anything even remotely sweet reminds me of her baking addiction.

Hell, even seeing myself in the mirror reminds me of her.

I wish I could lose all the feelings as fast as I lost her.

My heart is weighed down by guilt.

I should have thought of a better plan. I should have realized that the plan to run will not be successful. I  should have been realistic rather than living in a palace made by our own ignorance. I should have never agreed to the running away in the first place. If only I had stopped her then nothing would have happened.

I should have known better than following in love with her. I should have known better than breaking my promise.

I could do nothing when her father was hitting her. I could do nothing when he was emotionally manipulating her. I  could do nothing when she was being forced to agree to marry him. I could do nothing when her father was filling her brain with 'logic'. I could do nothing when she was standing in front of me and inviting me to her own wedding. I could do nothing when she was getting engaged and I will not be able to anything when she will be marrying him in front of me.

I could do absolutely nothing. Nothing.

Why was our love not enough? Why can't we marry? Why? Why?  Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to let her go? Why do I have to forget and my love for her? Why do I have to grieve her when she is alive? Why do I have to walk away from her knowing that I love her?

What will my life even be without her in it? How will I live without all the colors she had filled my life with? How do I live without her? Why do I live without her?

What does even love or life without her mean?

The feeling of self hatred and hatred towards the world fills me. Self hatred that I could do nothing to save our love and hatred towards the world that I even have to do something to protect my love. 

What would have the world lost if we had married each other? What hurt would our marriage bring to this world? What damage did our love cause to the world for them to be so against it? Why are they against our love? Why do they care if we marry or not? 

Are our marriage and love the only 'problem' left in the whole world for the people to stop and fight against? Why can not people live their lives and let us live ours? Why can not people be happy in their world and let us be happy in ours?

Why is our love wrong? 

My life without her is nothing absolutely nothing. My life feels like a half written book, a book that fate started to write but then forgot about it like it was worth nothing.

The nothingness fills my life with something so painful that I have no idea how to cope with it.

How to start my life all over gain and just forget the love this world ruthlessly snatched from me?

And how do you say goodbye when your heart still wants to hold on...

______

Don't be a silent reader, show support by commenting, voting, and sharing.
-Rhea