love to die for | mattia polibio

f o u r t y f o u r

an endless number of dizzy spells caused my senses to become distorted, making me feel lightheaded.

'no.' i gasped almost inaudibly, unable to grapple with the fact that this was actually reality.

my eyelids fluttered rapidly, attempting to restore at least a small amount of comprehensible vision.

an invisible film began separating my mental self from the reality of the situation, i felt disconnected, like this whole ordeal was just something i was witnessing through a tv screen.

my skin tightened from the disbelief, becoming nothing more than a humiliatingly scarce layer saran wrap that clung timidly to my internal skeletal framework.

as i turned to mattia, i discovered that he hadn't moved an inch from the last time i had set my eyes on him, and no expression or reaction had occupied his features.

my fisted knuckles became white with rage as the sudden decision that i was responsible for bearing mattia's emotions for him took control over me, and i had sunk my fingernails so far into the flesh of my palms that i was almost certain that i'd be bleeding.

'no.' i repeated, but this time a hundred times louder, my voice echoed far above the noise and mess of the rest of the courtroom.

'you can't do this,' i screamed, 'you can't kill him.' i directed my infuriation towards the judge.

barks of encouragement were leaping out from behind me, but one sentence stood out.

'he's just a kid!' an anonymous voice called out desperately.

a sense of realisation dawned upon me after considering the truth that rung so loudly from within the dictum.

we really were only kids.

as if this hadn't fuelled my fractious rage enough, my head became hotter tenfold upon seeing the guards aggressively lifting mattia, and tugging at him as quickly as they could, as if he was some kind of animal that needed to be dealt with as fast as possible.

mattia's head hung low and his body appeared like nothing more than a limp corpse.

a set of handcuffs already enclosed his thin wrists and rattled loudly in harmony with the heavy chains that wrapped around his ankles like snakes, mocking both mattia and i for ever having any hope in the first place.

the sight of him this way was a dagger that pierced through my defenceless heart relentlessly, pushing, impaling and slicing with no remorse.

the feeling and sound of my internal collapse was practically palpable, and i wouldn't have been shocked if a cough from my chest would have sent my intestines flying through the air.

the sick feeling continued, as did my murderous fit of fury.

i was seconds away from pouncing on them, and using all the strength i could muster from my exhausted body to free mattia from their grasp.

then, my eyes met mattia's.

he shook his head languidly, the wetness at his waterline glistening and reflecting the light with every tiny movement.

i panted quietly as i stared into his eyes, mystified.

'no, mattia, i won't let them.' i whispered as they dragged him further and further away.

my chest rose and fell wearily as my eyes followed his movement across the room, the sound of his placid feet dragging against the floor like nails on a chalkboard.

'it's okay.' he whispered in return.

'it's not-'

'it's okay.'

i watched as the big brown doors swung open, and swung shut again.

all of a sudden, he was gone. one second he was there, and the next he wasn't.

i crumbled to the floor, any last traces of embarrassment or dignity had vanished entirely.

i drew my knees up to my chest as far as i could before they came into contact with my stomach.

i squinted into nothingness for a moment or two, my head spinning and my eyes bleary and fogged, unable to come to terms with the physical agony that had descended on to me.

finally, i placed my head in my hands and cried, releasing the heartache into my raw, bloodstained palms, hoping that wouldn't be the last time i'd hear his voice.

i felt a cordial hand on my shoulder, but that alone was too much weight.

i heaved one last time, and then found that there was no other option that to let myself sink into the temptation of the forgiving void of darkness.