love to die for | mattia polibio

f o u r t y s i x

a pulsing headache hauled me out of a state of sleepy comatose that my body implicitly told me had lasted several years.

i felt sore and fatigued everywhere, every inch of my body felt as if i had been dragged through a heated war.

a sudden memory stimulated itself at the front of my mind, reminding me of every second of what happened with mattia.

however, i was completely disoriented and lacked a sense of any time whatsoever.

upon a quick inspection i realized i was laying in a hospital bed, but i was entirely uncertain as to why.

all i knew was that my mouth was so dry that i would drink my own urine if it meant i could restore even a tiny bit of moisture on my tongue.

i yearned for a cold glass of water, and decided i would get up and venture out to find any source.

i had only adjusted my position slightly when i felt different, lighter.

i heard shuffling from the other direction, and turned to see my mom on her way over to me.

'take it easy, honey.' she said, placing a hand on my shoulder and guiding me back against the mattress.

'mom?' my voice sounded scratchy.

'here, drink this.' she said, handing me a white plastic cup.

i took it and drank the whole of its contents within a few seconds, acknowledging that i didn't have the strength to take action in terms of my confusion and suspicions.

after the drink i felt rejuvenated enough to ask questions.

'mom, why am i here?' i asked her firmly, my eyebrows furrowed.

'well, um, sweetie...'

my protective instincts told me to move a hand onto my stomach, but when i did something was wrong.

frantically, my eyes darted from my lack of baby bump to my mom and back again.

'mom.. mom, where is my baby? mom?' i asked furiously, becoming more and more anxious with every syllable.

tears began forming in the corners of her eyes, driving me insane as my heart was thumping against my chest so violently that i was convinced that i had heard one of my ribs crack.

'mom just spit it out.' i pleaded, tears were on the verge of streaming down my face too at that point.

'y/n your baby is just across the hall.' she spoke quietly.

'what do you mean, mom? i'm only six months. it's too early-'

'your baby was born prematurely, y/n, your water broke after the verdict.'

i stared into her and willed her to continue talking, the clump in my throat wouldn't allow me to speak.

'your baby is fine, y/n, she's okay.' my mom concluded, providing me with the relief i was looking for.

'she?' my eyes glistened.

'it's a girl.' she replied.

'oh, mom.' i flopped into her arms and cried into her, soaking her shirt in dark, sodden tear stains.

the feeling of her hand rubbing gently up and down my back only encouraged me to cry harder.

i was overwhelmed with joy, but at the same time i couldn't help but think of mattia, and how he wasn't there with me.

the sobbing must've continued for a long time, because before i knew it i was waking up again.

it was almost pitch black, but i could make out my mom's sleeping silhouette in a chair across the room.

i was ecstatic at the thought of meeting eliza in the morning, but every thought of my newborn daughter was obliterated by the sense of grief that gnawed at my insides, and eventually i decided to force myself back into sleep.

that night i dreamt of mattia.