love to die for | mattia polibio

t h i r t y e i g h t

the minute i got back home i rushed straight into the bathroom.

i stared at my dull and bleary-eyed face and tuned into my emotions, feeling nothing but anger and resentment towards myself.

i tried my hardest to process everything that had just happened, to figure out whether this was even real or not, but the longer i was face to face with the mirror, the more angry i became.

it wasn't long before i broke down into an emotional wreck, falling to the floor, putting my face in my hands and sobbing until my eyes were sore.

why didn't i just say something

the entire thing replayed endlessly in my mind.

the sound of everyone yelling at each other, mr miller's hopeless expression and the vibrations of the scraping of the chair against the floor as mattia pushed himself out from under the table.

the feeling of my baby kicking restlessly in my stomach as mattia got out of his seat and stood up, his presence alone submerging the room in a blanket of absolute silence.

his next words that escaped his lips so effortlessly, yet so brutally.

the moment my entire existence came crashing down right in front of me.

still, i did nothing.

absolutely fucking nothing.

after a long while of crying had passed, i eventually fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

i couldn't manage to escape it, though, the situation followed me into my sleep and tormented me there, too.

i dreamt that i was back at the house with mattia, and at first we spoke to each other so freely and comfortably that it was almost tangible.

'what do you think the baby's first words will be?' mattia grinned excitedly.

'well, obviously, it'll be mommy.' i said, being playfully arrogant.

'nah, i reckon it'll be something random like.. waffles.' he burst out after a moment of thought.

'i guess we'll have to wait and see.' i laughed.

'you'll find a way to tell me when it happens, right?' he asked me.

'what do you mean, babe?' i responded.

'well, obviously, i'm not gonna be there to hear the first words.' he said, the colour slowly draining from his face.

'mattia, of course you're gonne be there, what are you talking about?' i said, placing a hand on the side of his face.

he rested one of his hands on top of mine, and gently gestured downwards.

i raised an eyebrow in confusion, but slowly began turning my focus to wherever he was gesturing to, anyway.

when i finally saw it, i inhaled sharply, freezing up into that same paralysis, not knowing how to react.

a knife was buried deep into his chest, and blood was gushing from his heart area, soaking his shirt in a deep crimson colour.

my breathing sped up and again, our baby was kicking aggressively, but for some reason i couldn't take my eyes off of the blood that continued to flow like a waterfall of death.

i felt mattia place two fingers under my chin and guide my head back up, leaving me face to face with him.

i watched a tear roll down his face, and then another one.

i could sense how much pain he was in but my body wouldn't let me help him.

he stared into my eyes as i stared back into his which were starting to cloud over.

'how could you do this to me?' he whispered, the tears still streaming.

my eyes fluttered open and i found myself in my bed, my mom must've moved me.

my face was wet and my pillow was soaked in tear stains.

i stared at the ceiling and cried quietly as the ache in my heart continued to swell.

i checked the time to find that midnight had already past, it was almost 4am, in fact.

amongst yesterday's chaos, the judge had decided to postpone the next court day to next week, to "allow the dust to settle".

i never even got to see mattia before security pulled him away from me.

i never even got to say that i was sorry.

i put my hand on my stomach and comforted my baby, who was also somehow radiating sadness.

we're going to be okay, i whispered, all three of us.