love to die for | mattia polibio

f i f t y

after the first visit, i was seeing mattia once a week, or sometimes twice.

however, i couldn't help but want to see him more, i felt ungrateful for it but to me seeing mattia felt like doing literal coke, and i couldn't get enough.

since the first time i saw him in lockup, it had become a kind of unspoken rule that we would avoid any conversation related to his death sentence - it had become a taboo subject for us.

no matter how hard i tried to find any sense of acceptance, my brain would refuse. i had become entirely determined and devoted to finding a way to save him.

i had spent endless hours at my laptop, doing research, forming groups and meeting new people, scrambling at any opportunity to salvage as much precious time as possible, even if that meant sacrificing my own sanity.

the government was eager to get rid of the media circus that had been going on around our case, so mattia's execution date had been set only five months away, and that was two months ago.

the day that i found out the date was a hard one. one that i chose to suppress. there wasn't enough time for emotions.

with the execution date being set so soon, my group's plan was to delay it - we had been protesting, all of this unbeknownst to mattia, but time seemed to accelerate, getting faster everyday, and the three months we had left until december 3rd was slipping away fast.

surprisingly, the protesting group seemed to get bigger every week, and more people supported mattia and the cause than i had ever thought there'd be.

#prolovepromattia and #justiceformattia were prominent almost everywhere on social media. i wanted nothing more than to tell mattia about how much everyone was rooting for him, but i knew that he would only tell me to put an end to all of it.

it was a saturday, and the police had broken up our protest for the second time in a month, but thankfully nobody was arrested on this occasion.

the protests had been getting more and more uncontrollable, aggressive and disruptive every week, but honestly that's what we had been aiming for from the start, and the sense of exhilaration and belonging that came with being surrounded by hundreds of people who all shared the same conviction was a great motivator.

i thought about how ironic the whole situation was, i had become what i used to fear.

the notion that only mere months ago i would be disgusted by the protests, and was anxious at even the thought of having to walk past one, was almost comical.

i grinned triumphantly as i said bye to the friends that i had made, loping towards the bus that would take me to see mattia, and i reveled in my successes, and the feeling of finally having something going my way.

the sentiment was short-lived.

'hey!' i smiled as mattia walked into the room.

i could immediately tell something was off by the demeanour in which he entered the room.

i received no eye contact, and nothing but silence filled the space until the slamming of the door sent a loud thud echoing against each of the four walls of the dull, empty room.

he sat down, still not responding to my usual greeting, leaving me feeling awkward in my seat across from him.

'everything okay?' i asked, unable to bear the awkward tension any longer.

'i heard about what you've been doing on the outside.' his voice almost sounding slightly deeper, making a small tremor break out in my leg out of intimidation, a feeling i had never previously felt around mattia.

after a moment of silence, he finally raised his gaze, impatiently willing an answer out of me.

'i'm doing it for us.' i whispered, timidly.

'you promised me-'

'i know i promised, but there's no way you thought i was just gonna let you sit and rot in here.' i interrupted breathlessly.

'so our promises just mean nothing now?' he asked firmly, a question that felt like a punch in the gut.

'no but- can't you see that i'm doing this so we can be together? because i can't live without you? you know what, maybe i will stop, because for whatever reason, you seem completely fine without me- maybe even better off. why are you being like this?'

'why am i being like this? why am i being like this? i don't know if you've forgotten, y/n, but we have a daughter. an actual human baby that needs looking after. and with all the protests and visits to me, i just don't see how you could ever fit eliza into that busy schedule of yours. and for you to think that i don't sit in that ugly little cell crying my eyes out over how much i miss you is just plain stupid. but i remember a conversation where we both agreed and promised that you and eliza are priority, and i'm trying my hardest to hold myself together to keep up my end of the bargain whilst you're out there, carelessly running around instead of raising your own child.'

i was taken aback by what mattia had just said to me, and i froze, gripped by a sharp sense of shock and a hint of embarrassment.

maybe i had been neglecting eliza

an image of her in my mom's arms at home consumed my mind, and i wondered when the last time i had fed her had been.

i sighed deeply, rubbing my face in an effort to prevent myself from crying, and to conjure up as much energy from my jaded body to form a mature response.

'i'm sorry. i'll do better, i'll try harder. i promise.' this time i meant it. 'but i won't stop the protesting, i just can't.'

it was mattia's turn to sigh.

'fine, but just know that if you get hurt in any way, it'll hurt me ten times more. i don't know how to say this in a way that will stress this enough, but you have to be careful. those crowds can get dangerous fast.' he replied, to my surprise.

'thanks, dad.' i laughed weakly, unable to hold back a yawn.

'hey, y/n?'

'yes?'

'when was the last time you got a good night of sleep?'

'oh, i-' i fumbled, trying to find my words.

'when you get home, just sleep. please just do that for me?' he asked.

'i'll dream of you.' i teased.

'good. now let's get you out of here.'

we exchanged i love you's and i dragged my abnormally heavy body straight home, and into bed, and dived into the longest, sweetest nap i've probably ever had in my life.