love to die for | mattia polibio

s i x t y

december 3rd.

i sat on the corner of the bed adjusting my clothes as i watched him brush his teeth at the sink. his movements were slow and tired, and his hair wasn't as bouncy as usual.

i had never seen him look so dull, and the pain i felt in seeing him in such a way was agonising in my core, my sore arms trembled as i pushed every emotion down, making me feel sicker with every moment that passed.

when he was done, he cupped his hands into a bowl and splashed his face with water, and i could see a spark of panic dancing in his eyes, a terror that shadowed his pupils that he tried to suppress. although he was trying his hardest to freshen up, his skin continued to grow grey, and the prickles that stung my eyes and skin continued to grow hotter, and more intense.

the ground was uneasy beneath me. i wanted more than anything to keep a firm grip on reality, but things wouldn't stop shaking around me, and even the dullest of colours grew more and more dull. the silence that filled the room was harsh and cold, full of a feeling that neither of us could express, a feeling similar to grief, but worse. our helplessness was more than disheartening, my soul felt as if it was being plunged and toyed with and tugged at, and my entire body was languid as my bones began to feel soft with anguish.

no matter how quiet it was, both of us could read each other with easy audibility.

how do you prepare for something like this?

i inhaled as deep as i could, salvaging as much oxygen as i could find, and blinking as fast as i could, allowing the cold moisture that had pooled in my eyes to dissolve into a thin layer over them.

i hauled myself off the bed and edged towards his tall structure, standing scarily still with his long arms propped against the edge of the tiny sink, his head hanging loosely and his eyes firmly shut.

before i had even reached him i could feel our connection, the magnet that drew me to him with no effort, and suddenly i was against him, my body clinging to his back and my arms strung around his waist.

for a second we were lifeless together, his torso bonded with mine as i stared into the empty abyss with the side of my face glued to his body. the rage and loathing that was rushing through my veins was burning through my flesh and to my skin, so wild and uncontrollable that even i was taken aback by it. he could feel it. slowly, he shifted, turning his body to face mine, somehow without losing contact the entire time.

i squeezed him with all the strength that i could, praying deep down that somehow my soul would merge into his, and i could keep him forever.

except that didn't happen, instead we only held each other so close that not even a single particle of air would be able to pass between us, and no force could pull us apart.

that was until a quiet tap on the door gave me no choice but to leave him, alone.

'i'll be back later.' i whispered into him, the words stringing together with such difficulty that i was surprised that they had come from my mouth.

he nodded gently, but remained silent otherwise.

'i love you.' my eyes began to run, beads of water tumbling down my cheeks and streaking my face with rivers of empty sadness, the sound of the door opening echoeing almost louder than my words.

he didn't respond, he just nodded, but i understood, and it was enough for me.

i parted away from him, my heart thudding louder and louder with every inch that came between us, screaming for me to burrow myself back into his arms, spinning itself dizzy with an unbearable yearning.