Clinging On (KARLNAP)

Ch 2 "Fiji"

    TW: Suicide, Self Harm, Anxiety, Slight Gore (it's not bad), Mentions of Sex (i'm not writing anything about sex it's just a warning because it mentions it) , Abuse

Sapnap Pov

   I see Karl's grey/green eyes look up to me. His eyes were watery. His breath was heavy and filled with desperation. His clutch on my clothing was strong and filled with hope. I was trying to shift so I could face him, but Karl held tighter on to me.
    "Nick, don't do it." Karl pleaded. His voice is gentle but powerful.
    I breathe, I look out over the water, let me just talk to Karl. I begin to move to face him, his clutch released before grabbing hold of me again.
    "Please- just get over the barrier, let's talk please." I could hear the desperation.
    "Fine.." I put my hand on the barrier and I threw my leg over, landing safely on the other side. I was no longer looking at my death.
     Karl got up from his knees, and he hugged me. I hugged him back, I took in the scent of his cologne. "What were you thinking? Do you know how many people care for you?" He sounded as if he could cry. I could tell he was trying to stay strong for me.
    "I-I'm sorry, it's just, I have nowhere to go, Karl." I begin to feel myself really sink into his hug. I feel my eyes tearing up on me. "Karl I can't do this anymore-"
    "I know, Sapnap, I know- things are rough right now, but they can get better, I know you don't believe me but you have to." He rubs his eyes from behind my back.
    "Karl, it's too much-" I felt myself choking up, nothing but tears filled streamed down my face.
    "It's ok for it to be too much, it's ok to be overwhelmed. But you can't just not try and get out, because you can, I know you can. And when it's too much you just have to breathe and take things little by little. I know you can do that, but if you can't figure out how, then I'll help you, let me help you, please. Don't just end it, God, please don't end it all."
    I held onto him, "What if I can't get out?"
    "Sapnap, there's always an out, you just gotta find it, and you have people around you that will help you find it. You have Dream, Alex, and me, I know for a fact we wouldn't stop at nothing to help you out." I feel his hand hold my the back of my head as we were held tightly in a hug of hope.
    "I have nowhere to go- I have nowhere to be safe." I feel my throat get tighter as I choke out.
    "Nick, please let me take you home, I could help you there."
    "Please." I barely manage to get out. I look back to the edge, I guess I won't be leaving today. Karl took my hand and began walking towards the way home. I tugged on his hand, "Karl, my bag is on the other side of the bridge."
    "Ok," he says gently redirecting to the other side. We walk in silence along the tracks. His hand held a tight but loving grasp on mine, I would usually push him away but at the moment I needed someone to just hold my hand. I feel so weak, but at the same time I had Karl who kept a grasp of me, it didn't seem like much, but just the human touch made me feel less like a pile of hopelessness and loneliness.
    We get my bag and we walk towards home. I barely could think, my thoughts were blurry and unintelligible, but one of my thoughts I did manage was to put a hoodie on. I was cold, but god did it feel good to feel something other than the stinging pain from my arm and from my heart. I stopped and I got the bag off of my back, I could feel Karl's gaze watch carefully. I grabbed a black hoodie and threw it on. We then continued our walk in complete silence. I watched Karl wipe his nose a couple times, I couldn't tell if it was runny because of the cold or because of him previously tearing up.
   We get to his car, and he opens the door for me. I sit down and he shuts it. I set my bag on the floorboard before unzipping to grab my phone. Karl sits next to me and starts the engine. Karl pulled back onto the road easily, he then laid his hand on my thigh. It's like he's afraid to not be touching me at all times. I didn't mind though, it felt comforting. I roll my sleeves up to look at my burnt skin, I quickly put my sleeves back down. And I don't look at my phone, in fact I got distracted from it. Karl kept driving; this had to be the quietest Karl's ever been, he wasn't talking, he wasn't singing, he wasn't humming or whistling a tune, he was silent. It was odd to me but strangely nice.
   We pulled up to his house, his house was right next door to George's house. Karl gets out of the car and helps me out. He goes to his porch and turns to lock the car. He gets his keys and shoves it into the door, turning it and opening it. Strangely enough, I've never been in Karl's house. It was nice and it felt open. Karl kicks his shoes off as do I and he puts his keys on what seems to be his family's key holder. I kicked my shoes off as well, it felt like the right thing to do.
   "Welcome to my humble abode," Karl said breaking the silence.
   "It's nice..." I say acknowledging him.
    "Well we should go up to my room, I'll show you where that is." He grabs my hand, again, he led me upstairs, his room was big, he had a gaming setup, a queen size bed in the middle and a bathroom attached to his room. His room was a warm beige, but it wasn't dull, it had posters of animes, bands, and movies. He had LED strips at the tops of his room, they were turned off though. Karl also had a bulletin board and a desk, the desk had a familiar envelope on top of it, but I couldn't remember why it was familiar.
   "It's a nice room, Karl. This seems like a very Karl place to live in." I walk my way to the bulletin board, I see a picture of Karl dressed as a pirate for halloween when he was little. I see another picture of Karl at a waterfall, he held his arms out big with a big smile on his face. I felt my stomach tickle as I looked over the picture. There was also a sticky note pinned, it read; figure yourself out. Hmm. I sat my bag by his desk before taking a seat at his desk.
   "Alright, uh, I'll be right back, I gotta call my dad real quick." Karl says motioning his hand to stay before letting his hand fall to his side.
   "Ok," I sigh, I watch Karl open the door and shut it behind him. I grab my phone from my pocket and I check it. Dream has spammed it, he kept spamming my name and how he doesn't understand. I want to answer him but I need to figure some stuff out, I don't want to confront him just yet.
    I look back at the bulletin board and I see a picture of Karl, what appears to be his dad and his late mom. I never knew how she died, I just knew she left Karl and her dad too soon. She was very pretty, she had short brown hair that was in a bob, and she had Karl's gorgeous eyes. She looked so serene and yet fun and loving. I wonder how she was when she was alive.
   "Hey, so you can stay here as long as you want. I talked to my Dad and he said you're welcome to stay here. He'll be home tomorrow morning before school, which I'm not sure if you're planning on going."
   "Does everyone know about what happened at school?" I asked as I sat slumped forward and listened to whatever his response is.
    "No, but I know what happened." He says, I look at him, how would he have known?
    "How do you know?" I watched Karl get nervous, his face blushed a tad.
    "Dream texted me, he was worried about you, and asked if I knew where you were." Karl quickly saw me look down. "Look. I don't know what happened but I want you to know that I care for you. And I'm here for you. You can always come to me for anything. And when you ever feel like struggling, have me struggle with you, I want to help you and if that means putting me through it then put me through it, Sapnap.
    "Thank you, Karl, for everything." I say, I get a little hot so I take off my hoodie. I looked around to see where I should put it, Karl kindly pointed it to a basket that already had some clothes in it. I throw it in. "You didn't tell Dream or tell anyone I'm here did you?"
    Karl smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder, "Don't worry, I haven't said anything to anyone." His caring and genuine eyes gazed on to me, it felt strangely warm. His hand on my shoulder made my stomach turn.
   "Oh ok, thanks."
   "Oh also my middle drawer in my closet is my pajama drawer. You should probably shower, you know, clear your head, it'll make you feel better. My sleep wear should fit you fine, we seem about the same size, and my pajamas are mainly big tees and elastic waisted bottoms."
   "Thank you, again." I really didn't understand how someone could go out of his way and do this.
   "It's no problem, you're my friend, and I'd do anything for you." He says smiling as he heads out he looks back, "I'm heating up some frozen spaghetti meals, is that alright, Ni- Sapnap?" Did he almost say my name?
   "Yeah you're fine, I'll eat after my shower." I grab a pair of plaid pants and a black neighborhood shirt, I look around, "where are the towels?"
    "Oh uh yeah they're in the bathroom on the wall shelf."
    "Thanks." I watch Karl leave the room, I go into his bathroom which was surprisingly clean. Karl I guess was someone to keep things clean. He wouldn't like me living here. I sat my towel on the toilet lid and I sat my clothes on the counter. I turned the shower on, and got it to a warm temperature and got in.
   The warmth made me feel alive again. I watched the water drip down my body, And I looked at my burnt arm and the cuts on my other arm. My left arm stung in the water, my dad left a horrible burn on my skin, my skin was read with black scabbed over skin, it still felt like it was on fire, but it'll heal, I think.
    I scrubbed my body rid of the diseased air from the train tracks. I have no tar on me but yet the smell of heated tar plagues my senses. I used Karl's body wash and his shampoo, it smelt like him. Karl used Old Spice, like most of the boys our age, in the scent of Fiji, which smelt light. The smell reminded me of good memories at the pier on the ocean. It was so bright and it smelt like a dream. Karl smelt like a dream to me. All good, nothing bad. He smells like the dreams I used to have when I was young, when I had a good dad, when I had a good mom, when I had good grades, when I had no worries. Karl smelt like my childhood of innocence, it was unusual but blissful to think that Karl uses this body wash. I'm overthinking things, but the scent did wash my mind as I thought of Karl smelling this way.
   I almost felt bad for using the scent on me, I didn't want to taint the perfect smell with the pain I feel when it seeps into my arms. Arms that hold my self hatred, and arms that hold the weight of failure and my lack of love. I washed myself still. I shake the thoughts and I get out. I dry my body to the best of my ability before putting Karl's T-shirt on. I luckily had my own underwear. I slipped on his pajama pants and they fit fine. A little long in length, considering Karl is a good inch or two taller. I then look at the foggy mirror, I can see a bruise forming above my eyebrow from where my dad gave me a blow. In the blur of the mirror I realized something; my shirt had short sleeves.
   A knock on the door disrupts my worries for a moment before heightening them, "Hey, Sappy, you ok?" I hear Karl's caring voice come in through the door.
   "I uh, Karl I can't come out yet, Thanks for the clothes and the shirt but I can't wear it." I panic knowing I sound suspicious, "I- do you have a hoodie I can borrow? Actually no, I have a clean hoodie in my bag, could you grab that for me, please?"
   "Sapnap, I have a hoodie you can have, and the clothes that were in your bag I threw in the wash so you could have them nice and clean and not smell like your bookbag. But why can't you wear a tee shirt? Sapnap are you ok?" I hear his suspicion rise as his worry rises. I start freaking out. Karl has no idea how scared I am.
   "Karl- just hand it through the door, I can't let you see me." Why can't I be more sneaky than this?
   "Sapnap, I'm coming in with the hoodie. I'm sorry but I'm worried about you." I know Karl is trying to figure me out, it's for my own good but still I hated this.
    "Fine, but-" Karl doesn't wait, he opens the door. And he sees me standing weakly in the middle of the room, I quickly put my arms behind my back and I watch as he looks over me.
    "Sapnap, here." He holds the hoodie and I don't grab it in fear of showing my arms. Karl acknowledges and sets the hoodie on the counter. And weirdly I watched Karl take a breath, I couldn't read his expression. But then he held his arms out to me, I couldn't help myself, I looked down at them. Karl's pale arms were both laced with scars, they were big scars, they all looked old though, nothing was new or fresh. Why? Why show me?
    "Why would you show me this? Why would you do this?" I felt myself asking, those probably weren't good to ask but it's too late, the path has been lit.
    "I've been through pretty hard times too, and I felt like I should show you so that you can feel like you aren't talking to someone who doesn't get it, and I don't know if you can relate to this, but if you can, I want you to know you aren't alone. And I feel like it's only fair if I ask things about you that are personal then you should feel able to do the same." Karl says before going to grab the door to leave the bathroom. I don't want him to leave me. I quickly grab his arm and turn him around. He looks confused. I let out a shaky breath and turned both of my arms over in front of me. I watch Karl take a breath in, "Sapnap, what happened?" he asked referring to the arm that was burned. His gaze was glossing over my cuts and were rather beamed on the burn.
    "I'll tell you in a minute. I'll tell you everything." I feel myself feeling some comfort in his gaze. Things have been strange, this isn't how I see Karl normally, this isn't how he acts normally, and I bet he feels the same way. He's never seen me like this, he's never known me like this. The whole atmosphere is off. Yet the bubble they were in felt comforting, but how though?
   We eat downstairs, And I gulf down the spaghetti, I feel Karl's eyes on me, I look up to him as he chuckles, "What?"
    "You have spaghetti sauce all over your nose." I watch Karl grab a paper towel and he wipes my nose for me. As he does I watch his face, did he always look so pure? Or am I just noticing.
    He put our dishes up, and he gave me an Ibuprofen for my eye and for my arm. My head still pounded from the once thrown punch from my father.
   After dinner we head upstairs and I wait to see what Karl does, he turns his lamp on his bed side table and turns the bathroom light off and the bedroom lights off. "Hey is it alright if we sleep in the same bed tonight? We'll figure out sleeping stuff tomorrow."
    To be honest the thought of him just being next to me made me relax. "Yeah that's cool. I don't mind at all." I watched Karl get in the bed, he had laid his head flat on his pillow facing the ceiling. I get in next to him, I also lay facing the ceiling.
    "I'm sorry things may have been awkward today or anything I'm just really thrown off you know?" I feel him chuckle.
    "I understand completely. I'm sorry you had to see me like that." I feel bad for the dude, he saw me almost kill myself. Woah, I feel really bad now that I put it that way.
   "What happened, Sapnap?" He asks gently, his voice smoothly entering my brain.
    I take a breath, here I go. "I wasn't always like this, you know. When we first met in freshman year is when things started. My mom works at a good job that pays her a lot of money, and my dad lost his job that year. My mom stressed out a lot about that and so did my dad, it was nightly arguments and it made me get distracted from my school work. My mom luckily got a raise so it was much easier to sustain my dad and me. My dad hadn't tried getting a job, instead he'd end up spending 30 dollars at a bar twice a week. One day, when I came from school, I noticed my dad and my mom were fighting really bad, I got in the middle of it and that's when my dad told me that my mom had been cheating on him, and that felt like she was cheating on me too. My mom had only gotten a raise for her compliance in having sex with her boss. That's when things went downhill, my mom never stopped because it was her job, it was like she was some prostitute. I didn't get much attention from my parents and the lack of authority didn't help me with getting school work done. My dad found out about my grades and he had lost hell on me. He beat every single ounce of respect I once had for him. My mom barely came home, My dad was home, but when he was he'd be as drunk as he could get. I luckily got my crap together with school only because of Dream. My dad started getting really aggressive and if I did one little thing wrong he'd beat me. I didn't really understand why he would do this. To be honest I still don't understand why he did everything he did to me. He treated me like his servant, and then he treated me like a punching bag to his emotions. My mom would hardly care about anything that went on, in fact she watched my dad whip me with the belt and did nothing. I lost all reconciliation at home. I didn't get help when I needed it. And I started thinking it was me. That's when I began cutting. My grades were slipping again and I got thrown out of football, which was my only getaway from home. When my dad found out he had beat me senseless. And this time, I ran away to Dream's house. Dream saw me look like a mess, and he had it. He knew things were rough for me at home and he always had his door open to me but I never took it because I didn't want him to see me so horribly discombobulated. He drove me to my house and he got in an argument with my mom, who was there. I've never seen Dream so angry. I ended up spending a couple nights at Dream's house. He helped me with my grades to where I was passing. The cops were called on Dream's parents by my mom, saying that they had abducted me. Dream and Dream's mom had fought for me, but at the end of the day I had to go home to my legal parents. And that's when things got worse with my cutting habits. I was beat a lot and it hurt. I wasn't allowed at Dream's house at all and if they found out I was there they'd threaten me by threatening them. And here we are, School grades dropped, and now I won't graduate, and I still can't play football. I started to feel like a burden to Dream, just someone he cares for, I feel like I was the reason for a lot of Dream's problems. Dream got in an argument with my teacher before, I don't know if you remember that, and he got 2 days ISS for that. I hated seeing him stick up for me and get in trouble. I just couldn't hold on much longer, and me not being able to graduate was the last straw for me. I couldn't do it. I went home and my dad had got off the phone with my guidance counselor and he was so fed up with me, and he found all of my shit in the middle of the floor because I was done with things and I went on a rampage. He took my arm and his lighter and burned me. I got free eventually and I punched him. And for that he punched me back and kept me in my room. I wrote a note for Dream, it's still on my bed I believe. And I wrote something for whoever the hell my soulmate is. I don't know if you know this Karl, but I think the soulmates thing is total bs, it's just something the world gave us to give us hope. But anyways, so then I got on my feet and I took an uber to a gas station and walked to the bridge, I don't know why but I was there for what felt like forever and somehow you got there."
    "Sapnap, I-I'm so sorry. I never knew you were going through all that. I wish I could have been there sooner for you."
    "How did you know where I was?" I felt myself asking.
    "I used to go there when I was younger, I'd go there with my mom. I go there quite a lot actually, it's where I go when I feel lost, it reminds me of her and then I remember how I need to keep going. I'm not suicidal, Sapnap, but I am hurt. it's just sometimes I need reminders for why I'm still alive, and I think about my mom. She wants me to do big things, and I want to make her proud of me. I miss her a lot, Sapnap." I feel him grow in a daze of remembrance.
    "You're mom was very pretty." I probably shouldn't have said that.
    "Yeah, She was the prettiest mom I knew..." He turns to the side to face me, I turn facing him again.  "Sapnap, I want you to know that I care for you. And I can't lose you too, so if you need help with school, then let me help you."
    "I need help, Karl, I'm not gonna graduate." I feel myself getting stressed and I watch as he notices. He puts a hand on my shoulder.
   "Don't worry, I'm gonna make sure you pass, you're gonna graduate, no matter what on my watch, ok?" His eyes burn into my brown eyes.
   "Ok... Thank you."
    "It's no problem." I watch Karl shrug my thank you off.  "I promise you tomorrow we won't have to act all awkward."
    I feel my cheeks tug a smile as I laugh, "Yeah, same here. Maybe, we could play some CS:GO tomorrow?"
    "Definitely."

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AN: GAHHH! If you read this, I thank you for sticking to the end of this chapter! I suck at beginnings but it gets good, just trust me! Also the next chapter is in Karl's pov so that's something to look forward to. The next chapter is much lighter in angst don't worry! The next chapter will be out next Tuesday most likely! I hope you enjoyed reading, and love feedback so be sure to comment! Stay Poggers! And you are worth it!

Word Count: 5332 words
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