Clinging On (KARLNAP)

Ch 17 "Knight"

TW: Intrusive Thoughts, Suicide, Self Harm, Anxious Thoughts, Seizure, Sexual Jokes

Sapnap Pov

   I was brutally stripped away from sleep as my alarm chimes. I turn it off quickly, just to realize Karl is still asleep.

   Becoming aware, I realize my position with Karl. He stayed in the position from last night, it's like we never moved. He had his head nuzzled into me (at least before I had to turn to get my phone to shut up), and his leg was brushed against mine. He had one arm support his head and the other arm was clung onto the bottom of my shirt, he was clinging on to it lightly, but tight enough to keep his grasp. His breathing was soft and so angelic, it almost feels wrong seeing him like this.

   I don't deserve to see him like this.

   I take my arm and I hold on to Karl.

   I don't deserve him.

   I need to stop thinking like this

    I have one good thing in my life right now. Stop it

    Karl is too good

    Karl is good... that's why I like him

    Karl is good... that's why I need him

    Karl is good... you don't deserve him.

    What is wrong with me.

    Stop.

    I need to stop thinking this.

    Impulsively, I sat up quickly which was sudden to the boy who rested in me, the boy that sensed a quick absence.

    Karl stirred. His eyes opened, and I felt them gaze into me.

    "Sapnap- you ok?" He asks in a concerned yet tired voice.

    "I- Uh- yeah. I'm-" I was cut off as Karl's hand touched my arm which was propping me up.

    "What's the matter?" He asked, his voice raspy with the morning, but delicate.

   I wish his voice were like a blanket, and I was a baby that could be swaddled in it.

   "I- it's nothing I just get these thoughts- like- just an inner monologue you know? It just scared me, that's all..." I was being slightly truthful, but the only thing that was full of deceit was my choice in wording. It didn't scare me, it terrified me.

   Karl got himself sitting up straight, his hand that was on my arm reached to my back as he started to rub circles. "You know I'm here to hear you out, and that includes your thoughts." He eases through his eyes that show nothing but care.

   "I know.. I know you are."

    He's here for you.

    But what did you do to have that?

    Karl cares for you now, why?

    You did nothing to deserve him.

     Last night he stuck up for you.

     Last night he dealt with your outburst.

     What good did you do that earned his affection?

    You love him.

    And what gave you the ability to love someone?

    Karl shouldn't love you.

     How can he love you after seeing all that you come from...

     All that you did,

     All that you're afraid to do,