Clinging On (KARLNAP)

Ch 5 "Van and Tesla"

TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety, Mind Games, Abuse, Sexuality Insecurity.

Sapnap Pov

I looked at the nice and crisp envelope in my hands. This was the one. I opened the envelope, and the all so familiar piece of lined paper was folded. I opened it up. it read;

Dear, Soulmate,
Hi, and bye I guess. I hate that you have to hear from me and it being a not so pleasant letter. My name is Nick (insert last name), I go to (made up) High School in North Carolina. I am writing to you right now because I'd hate for you to look for me and me be dead. I'm planning on killing myself at the Old Burr Bridge, on the train tracks. I know this is sudden and I hope you don't believe in this soulmate mess. My reasoning to why I'm leaving is because of my home life, it's been horrible, and today was the last straw, I'm done with the abuse. I have nowhere else to go, so I'm ending this hell of a life. If you don't meet me before I die, I'm sorry, but remember there are other people out there. This whole soulmate thing is bull shit anyway. I don't even know why I'm writing to a stranger. I'm sorry, and I hope you carry on and live a good life without me, and don't search for me.
From your soulmate, Nick.

It all came back again, Karl had gotten to the Old Burr Bridge, was he lying about his mom liking that place? Karl had known when I was there, though, but that was purely on coincidence, right?

"Don't do it, Nick"

"Nick let me take you home."

I should have known. He probably only wants me alive because I was his soulmate. He didn't want to be the one with a dead soulmate.

Stop doing this to me mind...

He had only kept me around because I am his soulmate. He doesn't care about me. He's lying. He can't care about me. I mean who would?! My own parents don't care so who in the hell would?

He said he cared about me

I was downgrading a mental level as if my whole existence was a video game, but let's be honest we're all living in a game to be played and we're all looking at ourselves as if we're player one, well there's a lot of of people on this damn earth and there can only be one player one, and it's not me. I'm not even player two.

Karl didn't lie, did he?

How could Karl sleep knowing I'm here panicking over him. Even if I agreed with this soulmate thing, I can't be gay, I've dated girls before. I like girls. I don't like boys. I don't like Karl. I can't like Karl, he just has me around because he wants a soulmate still, he keeps me with him so I can be like his charity project on display. Karl and his Dad see me as some charity case. Everyone does.

Please! Stop it! He isn't lying! Karl said he cared about me!

I grabbed the envelope and I ripped it. It was sudden, but it felt good. Why did this stupid soulmate thing ruin my only reason for living, my only hope of happiness. I ripped the envelope again. And again. And again. I leave the pieces on his desk. I pick up my bookbag and I open his door and I run down the stairs. I turned the front door knob and I left the place that was welcoming and warm. I left Karl, but the scent of him still lingered in the body wash.
I didn't know where I was going but I walked. I must have walked four blocks into their neighborhood. I got to their neighborhood's pool house. I walked behind it, it needed some grass cut but other than that it was nice, but to me it was hideous. I sit on the first edge of the building and I lean my back on the siding. I took out my knife. It was an old friend I thought I wished away but, he came back. He was the only friend that understands me. The only friend that would help me feel ok.
The nice pocket knife glittered in my eye. Why did Karl have to be my soulmate? Why couldn't he just be my friend. I was starting to think he genuinely was caring about me, but now because of this stupid purple mark, it showed me Karl's true colors. Instead of him being red, he turned green.
I want to be free. I draw my blade and I pull my sleeves up, And I took a look at the blade before I heard a ding come from my phone.