Diary of an anorexic

Tuesday 21.02.09

The picture is taken in the morning when I was feeling pretty good. I had a fairly empty stomach because I just ate some dinner the other day. Unfortunately the rest of the day wasn't as good.

I was happy, not eating for hours and I didn't feel too bad about my body. Of course not great because I'm back at the weight I started at, 58. I miss being underweight so so much. It's been a year since my eating disorder started. Although I always felt aware of what I'm eating and if I'm still skinny. I used to skip cookies and food in school breaks since I was 6 or so.
It's funny because almost all the stories you hear start with; "I was a happy kid and used to enjoy food a lot".

So my day (till now cuz atm it's 15.50). After school I went to my room because I was cold. There I remembered that I wanted to apply for the united world college so I went to check that out. Then I got super excited about it because it's honestly my DREAM to study/do school abroad. I want to study in China in two years!!
So I went downstairs where I thought my mum was gonna be because she wanted to have lunch with my which I obviously skipped. But she wasn't there and I did more research myself. Then I got so excited about it that I thought, "life's good, food is good, just eat" and I ate.

- 2 goeiemorgen koeken
- milk
- chocolate porridge
- apple
- bread w butter and sprinkles
- 2crackers w butter and cheese

All of that in one sitting....
then I remembered how fat I am and that I am not underweight and that I gained in the last few weeks....
I decided to do a kpop random dance to burn some calories. That was fun but every time I felt my waist I almost had a breakdown. After the random dance I was hot and thought of the fact that when you're cold, you burn more calories. I opened our living room doors wide because there was no one else in the room so who'd care. I held snow in my hands and then my father came into the room🙄 he got mad and pulled the doors in my face. Are you really that desperate to close the doors that you have to hurt your child? Well he doesn't care, lately,, with lately I mean weeks-months, he's been drinking and eating way to much, he isn't sleeping enough, he's working a lot and doesn't show affection to my mum. I hope he changes his behaviour soon, I can't stand him. So I got more upset because I get very stressed out when someone gets mad at me and yells so I went upstairs and cried.

My ana, who I imagine as a person (as Kaname Kuran... muhahaha), told me that if I eat, he leaves. Anorexia is very lonely so by imagining him being real and by my side, I feel less lonely. So I fucked up and he is gone.
Then I started hurting myself. I threw my window open widely so it gets super cold in my room. It's still open and my hands are having a hard time typing haha. Then instead of cutting myself, I whip myself with rope. I have ugly scars on my ankle from cutting but when I'm skinny I can be pretty so I can't have scars. I decide to sit on my roof so I'd be colder. There I also did 20 pushups in the snow. Then I held a piece of ice against my wrist which hurt sooo much. That's my new favourite way of hurting myself.

After all that I went in to weigh myself and got so stressed. I forget things and I think of things and school and life and I just had to write.

I'll update tonight before bed, bye bye

——————

It's now 22.30
A lot has happened in my head these past hours. I lost 0.5 kilo since this afternoon, the jumping rope paid off. There three things I want to talk about; school, school abroad, clinic

So this afternoon my mum told me that Monday I have my first appointment at the clinic with the therapists. That scared the fuck out of me. I gained weight and what if they'll weigh me there?? I NEED to lose weight quick. I need to be underweight by Monday. I won't eat nor drink for 6 days (well I should probably drink until Friday). I'm going to The Hague tomorrow and exercise a LOT. I will hopefully be underweight by Monday... if they're going to weigh me, oh I'm going to scream my lungs to death. I don't want this anymore. I'm so scared, please someone help me

It's either school or anorexia. I'm choosing ana over school. I have a pta test and two other tests that day. I'm going to fail those completely. I'm so sad and so scared. I will ask my mentor if I can get at least the pta out. I can't get an insufficient for it. She knows that I'm mentally not doing well and she said that if I get too stressed I can ask her that, she is the best person ever, I really appreciate her help. But the counselors at my school, I hate them, it's not their fault, but they betrayed my trust twice. The second time I blackmailed one of them... oops?

And lastly, studying abroad. It's my dream to study in China. I'm SUPER interested in other cultures, I absolutely love learning about other cultures!! So I found the UWC site but they already had entries, fuck me. I cried over that for a while. Then I went to look for other ways to go to school in another country and found AFS. I'm having an information meet on Saturday. I'm excited about that but also scared. I got the chance to go to China 2 years ago but I didn't get in. It's so sad, my friends wanted to go but they said they know that I wanted it most and one of them wasn't even actually allowed to go. My WHOLE friend group except for me got to go. I'm scared that that'll happen again. Also, I was supposed to go this year as well because I still have Chinese class but nope fucking corona.

Happy 6 day fast
Good night
xx me