not my problem. - 𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐣𝐮𝐧 𝐱 𝐯

one

SEOJUN

I have always tried to do the right thing for the people I love.  Be it for my good or for theirs.  Maybe it's because of how my mother raised me; maybe it's because I almost lost her, or perhaps it is simply that which I am which makes me act this way.  But, regardless of the reason, the fact remains the same.  And the fact is that because of that truth, I lost her.

Well, lost is not exactly the right word.  It wasn't as if I had her to being with.  And even if I was in such a position to lose her she was not taken from me.  No, rather I gave her away.  I drove her back into Suho's arms.

He asked me once.  One night, when we were both up too late, after one too many bottles of soju.  He asked me why I did it.  The same thing I had been asking myself since the day I told her he was leaving for the states again.  I told him I didn't know.  But thinking about it now...  I think I was scared that I wouldn't be the one she chose.  And so, I never gave her a choice.

Our lives have changed so much over the past 5 years - yet somehow, everyone is still the same.  Suho is still a strangely social introvert, JuGyeong still loves him regardless, and I... still love JuGyeong.

I wouldn't ever tell her that, of course.  Or anyone else, for that matter.  It isn't like they're feelings I can act on.  And not just because Suho is my best friend.

Firstly, you aren't meant to date for at least a year after you debut.  And, if you are to find love it is meant to be with another idol.  Not your highschool sweetheart.  My fans are very dedicated, and I think most of them would try and murder Lim JuGyeong if they were even to suspect that I liked her.

Secondly, JuYoung and GoWoon are officially dating now, and I'm pretty sure if they were ever to get married there would be some kind of law that stopped me from dating my sister-in-law...

And, finally, because of what came in the mail last week.

I honestly don't know why it surprised me as much as it did.  Sure, there was a two year gap in-between but Suho and JuGyeong  had been together for five years now.  It was obvious to everyone around them that they were serious about each other long-term.  I just hadn't expected them to finalise everything so soon.

Then again, the announcement creeping up on me may not have been their haste and rather my ignorance.  I left Korea 4 months ago on tour and I'd barely spoken to anyone back home since I left.  I didn't do much of anything that wasn't work when I was working.  And I was always one hundred percent focused on the task at hand.

But that day...  That day was a completely different story.

Jamsil Arena, Seoul

"SeoJun, you're on in 5 ok?"

It was the last show of my World Tour.  We'd been playing around the world non-stop for 4 months, and decided to wrap it all up in Seoul.  Performing didn't make me nervous anymore, now that I'd done it for so long.  But something about being in my home city always had me on edge.

"Ok."

The stage manager gave me a smile before heading off elsewhere, presumably to take care of the ten million other tasks which he had at hand, and I flinched a little at the cool contact of makeup brushes on my skin.