Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Four

Chapter 8 Looking for Group

Honk-honk: Blarg blarg blarg, blarg.

Andy: Then after we cross the Burning Plain of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

Andy was being held by the alien and the Blues were gathered on the beach outside the fortress.

Caboose: The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

Tucker: This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!

Church: Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself.

Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not letting them get attached. . . I'm talkin' about women.

Ruby: You've never had a girlfriend, have you?

Tucker: O-Of course I have!

Church: Real convincing there Tucker.

Tucker: Oh shut up! I'm still not doing this!

Tex: Don't worry Tucker, we're not going to send you alone.

Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?

Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!

Ruby: Which is exactly why I'm going with you.

Tucker: Wait, why?

Ruby: To keep you alive.

Church: I'm not going either, by the way.

Tucker: Wait, will it just be us then?

The magenta girl and aqua soldier looked at their ally in standard issue blue.

Tucker: No fucking way! I'm not going with him!

Ruby: Welcome aboard Caboose.

Caboose: Oh! Oh! Oh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.

Ruby: I can heal. Tucker's our assault, Caboose's our defense, and I'm the support!

Tucker: Do not encourage him!

Honk-honk: Blarhun.

Andy: He says he wants to be healer.

Tucker: Not him too!

Caboose: Oh good, two healers!

Andy: Heh heh, not really. They eat their wounded, heh heh heh.

Caboose: Just like chiropractors.

Tucker: This is a joke right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?

Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me.

Ruby: If he dies, I'm going to make sure you don't come back.

Church: . . . Don't die Caboose.

Caboose: I think Ruby would be a better fighter than Tucker. Chrunchbite is the healer and I am the powerful. . . and intelligent. . . wizard!

Ruby: That sounds brilliant.

Andy: What the hell does that make me?

Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.

Ruby: I disagree.

Andy: A bow and arrow? I don't have arms, you freakin' moron!

Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party. . . ever.

Ruby: Dibs on party leader!

Tucker: I'm going to fucking die.

Church: Please don't.

He looked at Ruby.

Church: You living means I live.

Tucker: Yeah, you better hope I don't die. 'Cause if I do, you have to take care of my kids, and that's if Ruby doesn't kill ya.

Church: You have kids?

Tucker: Heheh, probably!

Ruby: Yeah, you've been in a relationship.

*At Blood Gulch*

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Yeah! Take that! Suck it Blue- I mean, Red! God, this is harder than I thought!

The disguised maroon soldier was still atop the cliff.

Grif: Hey Simmons! What the hell are you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm attacking the Blue base- I mean the Red base! Fuck!

At said base. . .

Donut: Defense is established Sarge!

A missile hit the defenses.

Donut: Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.

Back with Grif and Simmons,

Grif: Killing our own team, huh? That's cool. Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?

Simmons: I'm not crazy, Grif! You just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank!

Grif: I listened to you.

Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank! There it is, it's a tank!

Grif: Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.

Simmons: Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now you dumb Blue bitch- Red bitch! FUCK!!! You know what I mean!

Sheila fired her cannon again and the duo heard a yell from the base.

Sarge: Great sodium chloride! There goes my chemistry set!

Grif: I don't think killing Sarge is much of a punishment for me. Just come back to the base man. I'll let you boss me around again!

Simmons: I don't know. . . I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear!

Grif: I am, see?! It's just like hold times! Come on, buddy!

Simmons: Will you help me clean my armor?

Grif: How about I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Donut to do it later.

Simmons: Ah, good old Grif!

Sarge exited the base and saw Simmons on the cliff.

Sarge: Simmons, is that you?

Simmons: Yeah Sarge, but don't worry. We got-

Sarge: Simmons, I can understand you're going crazy and seeing imaginary tanks-

Simmons: The tank is right THERE!!!! For the love of god!

Sarge: And I can obviously understand why you'd want to attack your own base.

Simmons: You can?

Sarge: But painting yourself Blue?! Dear God man! Don't you have any shame at all?!

Grif: Hey Sarge! You should also note that he missed a couple of spots!

Sarge: Grif! What in Sam Hill are you doing out there! At least Simmons has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan-

Simmons: Thank you sir! I mean, suck it Blue! God damn it! I mean Red!

Sarge: -but you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort, I never expected this from you.

Grif: Ah, up yours.

Sarge: What was that?

Grif: Up yours, sir!

Sarge: That's better!