Jiwa

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Warning: this chapter contains violence and verbal abuse.

"Fiona, Fiona! Oh, dearie, I haven't seen you in so long, my dear! Come in, come in!" I smiled and gave Mum a hug.

It was funny how she acted as if she hadn't been neglecting me for the past few months. As if she had been sending me letters, but still wanted to hear all the details I might've left out.

"Nice to see you, Mum. I can't wait to tell you all about my new school, and new friends-"

"And new boys?" asked Mum, smirking. I shuffled my feet and sat uncomfortably in an armchair.

"Well, about that, Mum...I've actually...well, that's-I have something to tell you." Mum turned to me expectantly. "About myself, Mum."

She settled down into the armchair next to me. "Tell me all about it, dearie."

I took a deep breath. "Mum, I've been thinking long and hard on the plane about how to tell you this. To write a note, to just spit it out. I wondered if I should tell you at all, because I don't know how you'll react, but I think that you deserve to know."

Mum clapped her hands together, and said, "Oh, of course, dearie! It's nothing bad, I trust?" I shook my head no.

"I've realized that I...well, that I don't like boys. Not as in, I hate boys, not at all, I've nothing against them, but in the way that I don't like like them, the way other girls do. I like girls the way other girls like boys. I- well, what I mean to say is I'm gay."

I waited for her reaction. She looked very surprised. Her mouth fell open in shock. Then, it hardened into a thin, firm line. Her eyes burned with fury. Her fingers tightened into fists, and I knew I had made a mistake. The rest of the family was in the other room, waiting and watching for what would happen to me at the hand of my mother. Her hands clutched at anything sitting near her. On the table was a wooden spoon. Her fist tightened around that until she was white at the knuckles.

"You ****ing w****, you're a b****, you b*****! How dare you!?" she rose up to her full height and swung the wooden spoon. Hard. I was too shocked to react, and barely even yelped when the spoon connected with the small of my back.

"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! When I saw that s******* of a f******* parade on the news, waving rainbows and s*** I should have brought you home! And now look at this! You're...you're...oh, what's this terrible f******* trend called? Gay?" she raised the wooden spoon again.

Then my father materialized and gripped my mothers' arm. It was, I believe, the only thing stopping her from killing me.

"Da!" I whimpered. He turned his eyes to me. They were as cold as Mums'.

"You w****. Get your a** out of my f****** house." I began to cry. I managed to pull myself up to standing and gripped my bag.

As I turned to leave the house, one more pair of eyes found mine. The same eyes I'd neglected in my old apartment, who I'd neglected my whole life.

My little brother.

I didn't dare to do anything else, but as I turned to leave, I saw him give me a little wave and one last gift. 

"I love you," he whispered.

I smiled at him, but before I could say anything back, Mum heard him. She whirled around, broke out of Das' grasp, and sprung towards him, her wooden spoon-

"No! Please!" I said, waking up. I was laying in my bed, Devi kneeling beside me. She looked at me with such concern that I started crying.

"Devi! Devi, oh, it was terrible..." Devi sniffled and intertwined our fingers. "You saw them again, didn't you?" she asked. I nodded and kept crying, looking at our hands.

The letter came the next day, at the inn where I was staying. Written on it was nothing, other than a mantra for me to repeat to myself. Below it, Mum had promised that failure to grow out of this 'phase' before the next school holiday would result in my expulsion from APA.

'And don't you forget' I whispered, reading the mantra, 'Ony think this was about boys. You think you love her, but you love her as a friend.'

"Fiona? I know this comes at a bad time, but I need you to know I'm here for you. I should have been there for you when you went to visit your Mum...but I'm here for you now." I sobbed into her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. "Screw your mom's mantra, Fee. You are who you are; you don't have to hide it. You can be yourself."

"No, no, but I do...she said, s-she s-s-said that sh-she'd kick me out of the school!" I stuttered and stammered and sobbed. "Sh-she's sup-posed to l-love me, Dev-vs, not *hiccup* not shun me for being wh-wh-who I-I am *sob* Now where's my home?"

Devi stroked my hair and sighed. "I'd think you'd remember Kells' grand speech in the Headmasters' office." I sniffled and nodded, thinking back to what she had said, about my friends being even more of a family than my parents. Sadly, she had been so, so right. I collapsed into Devi and cried until I could cry no more. With every tear, it felt as if a small part of myself was melting away, never to be seen again. Once I was finished crying, there was an emptiness inside, a hole I felt deep in my soul. I knew it could only be filled with one thing. Love.

I sat up and wiped my eyes. My tears had hardened into something stronger. Something dangerous, as cold as ice and as charged as lightning. I stood up and, with sudden energy, got dressed. 

I peeled off my sweaty white shirt and unclasped the straps of my overalls. I pulled on a deep green dress, and tied a white silk ribbon around my waist, tieing it in a bow at the back. Then, I took another ribbon and tied my hair up in a bun. I stuffed my feet into lacy stockings and my new Mary Janes.

No, not my Mary Janes. Not the ones' Mum had sent to my hotel-

I kicked off the Mary Janes and threw them out the window. I wanted nothing to do with her. Looking around the room frantically, I found nothing but clay.

Clay.

Taking a huge lump, I threw it on the floor and jumped on it. Then, I cleaned my stockings and built gorgeous heeled sandals, with white ribbon straps and green velvet-covered soles, and snapped my fingers. The pure, sudden burst of energy I'd felt streamed from my fingertips into the straps, and before me stood a gorgeous pair of sandals.

"Devi, I have to cancel that date we have on Friday night," I said serenely, peeling off my stockings.

Now Devi looked crestfallen. "But-"

"Because I would like to go right now. Unless you are engaged prior," Devi perked up immediately and giggled.

"Of course, m'lady. I shall fetch my dress." I giggled as Devi went into her wardrobe and selected a deep orange dress, like fire.

"You're shoe, m'lady," she said, elegantly slipping one of my new sandals onto my right foot. I giggled, then stepped away too fast. My cheeks rose to color as I fell backward, put off balance by the sudden height. I prepared to hit the floor and opened my eyes, only to find Devi had caught me. I was staring straight into her eyes.

"You fell," she whispered.

"And you saved me," I said, not moving an inch.

We stayed that way for a very long time.