𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚞𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

i took the train, i took the call (i didn't know just where i'd fall) [j.m]

hehehe unrequited love jokomace hehehehe
chuckles evilly im not that sorry for this
also it is literally one am here if there are any mistakes i will fix them when im fully awake <33

fic title from ; fever dream by mxmtoon

pairing ; jokomace [john/joko + mason/undrscrmason]

prompt ; joko loves mason.

cws/tws ; vague descriptions of a panic attack.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

joko thinks too much.

usually, it's about something mundane, something unusual and stupid that no one cares about. he thinks about his home smelling like zucchini, - no, wait, it was aubergine - he thinks about school and how he most definitely isn't failing classes, he thinks about eating his sock, thinks about getting rage married sometime soon, but the most important thing he thinks about is mason.

mason, with his cutely curled hair that, when it's too long, falls into his eyes, mason, with his beautiful sienna eyes that seem to read into joko's soul whenever he looks at him, mason, with his honeyed, orotund voice that joko could listen to forever, mason, with his ways of changing personality so quickly, it gives joko whiplash.

joko thinks about mason too much.

he doesn't mind it, far from it. he thinks he's in love with mason, thinks about spending time with him, thinking about spending the rest of his life with him, and sometimes, joko yearns.

he lays awake at night, thinking of holding mason's hand in his, imagining mason's arms wrapping around him, holding him securely, and silently curses the muted darkness for showing him how somber his love is. when he falls asleep, he dreams of mason's lips pressing against his, as gentle and soft as a gossamer petal, and when he awakens in the morning, slivers of amber sunlight slipping through the cracks in his blinds, there are tears in his eyes and his heart aches.

his heart aches because he's unsure if he deserves to love mason. he knows he loves him, but does he deserve mason? does he deserve to be happy with him, to think, to dream of being happy with him? he hasn't done anything wrong, but when that anxiety hits, when mason doesn't answer his messages for a few days and joko doesn't want to bother, those thoughts creep up on him, leaking into his mind like a cascading waterfall, and it hurts.

mason always answers, though. mason answers and assures him that it's fine, that he didn't feel like answering anyone, that something happened or his internet cut out, tells joko he's not angry if joko texts and promises him it'll be ok.

joko likes mason's promises. he likes them a lot, too much, but the day will come where mason breaks a promise, where he will make a promise he cannot keep, where he will take joko's heart and mind and soul and break it.

joko thinks too much.

he thinks and he thinks and he thinks and he gets lost in his mind, but he can't help it. he can't help himself. he can't help that he's like this. joko wants to hold his hand, he wants to sit and watch the sunset outside, he wants to rest on the couch with mason's head in his lap, he wants to feel his love, his temporary touch, he wants to be able to reach out and feel mason, to know and assure himself that he's there with him, he wants to laugh and cry with him, he wants to be with him, but he can't. he doesn't know if he deserves it. he doesn't know if he can think about him like that. it hurts.

he stands at the airport, nervousness racking his body. his chest feels tight, his heart aches, his head hurts, and he wishes he couldn't feel. mason is arriving in wyoming after a little over two hours of flying from california, and joko is nervous.