I want to be her 『𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜』

Chapter Three - I don't love you

Wanda and you had gone out shopping, one of your particular favourite pastimes. You were just annoyed at yourself for being sad about Bucky getting married. But that was a normal reaction to your ex moving on, right? Yes it was. "You know," said Wanda, as she rifled through sale racks, "Your brain is making mine hurt, what is up with you?"

"Stop reading my mind then," you snapped back, you spotted a dark red skater dress in the sale, "Wanda, you should totally get this, it would look so good on you," you said holding up the dress. She smiled and said she was going to the dressing room to try the clothes she'd picked out on. You sat down outside, checking your phone. The teams groupchat had been spammed as usual, Nat and Bucky hadn't said anything but were online. They were probably texting each other. Ew. Why did that bother you?

You couldn't help but think about every time he'd made you smile. Which was pretty much the first two and a half months of your relationship. And then. Then he'd almost fallen out of love with you. It was weird. But it didn't matter. You were never going to be back with him and you had to repress all the memories you had with him and pretend that you didn't care. Which you didn't. You didn't care.

Wanda came out of the dressing room, "Okay I'm going to get it all," she said, you started laughing. Oh how Tony must love all the avengers spending all his money. Once she had paid for all her stuff you started walking around again. You tried to distract yourself of Bucky but everything seemed to be reminding you of him. "Oh for god's sake," said Wanda, turning to you, "Admit it, you gave a fuck about him, and you always will," you were taken aback by her question.

That wasn't what you were expecting, "I-" you began, "Maybe I still care about him, but no I don't still love him," Wanda sighed, you knew she didn't believe you, "I mean yes I still care about him, yes I will always give a fuck about him and yes I love him," her eyes went wide, as you realised what you said, "Oh No! No, no. No..."

"You still love him?" she asked you.

Did you, you were pretty sure you didn't. Then again you were wrong about a lot of things. Maybe you did love him. Everything made sense now that you realised that. "How can I not Wanda?" you said, "How do I just let go of the person who felt like home?" Wanda took you into a coffee shop and sat down so you could talk. She ordered some lattes while you sat with your head in your hands. You couldn't believe that you were still in love with Bucky after everything that he put you through. Why was it that he gets engaged to someone else and you want him back? You were fine before.

"So do you want to talk?" asked Wanda, placing a latte in front of you. Not really, you didn't want to talk about it. Because you didn't know what to say that would make this whole situation better.

You sighed, "People ask me if I miss him. Of course I do, it's all I ever do, but I just try to block it out, tell myself that I don't miss him," she looked at you sadly. "I think I just, he hurt me Wanda, but it's just. Me and Nat were so close, and he ended up with her? And it's just none of it makes sense, because he broke my heart. I just don't understand what is going on,"

There was a silence between you, "How do I tell him that?" you asked, drinking your latte.

Wanda almost choked on her coffee, "You're gonna tell him?" she said, "You're gonna tell your ex boyfriend, that's engaged, to your teammate, that you still love him," okay maybe the idea did sound a bit stupid but it didn't matter.

"What else am I supposed to do?" you asked, "Never tell him?"

"Yes!" said Wanda, "Look I am supportive of you as I can be, but telling Bucky that you still love him, especially now, would be a bad idea. You can't do that to him Y/n, it's too late, he's moved on," you looked down at the table, "I'm sorry," the thing was that you knew she was right. But your brain was screaming at you to tell him. Why?

Wanda waited for a response, "Yeah you're right," you said, "I know you're right. I know I know, maybe I need a date, take my mind off the engagement, to move on. Okay let's get me a date," you said.

"Steve, Sam, Tony?" asked Wanda, "The tower is full of pretty boys,"

That was true, "Eh," you responded, "Um okay, how about, someone I don't work alongside and have to trust with my life sometimes," possible options, who could you date, who could you date, "At least I'll have a date to their wedding, if I'm even invited," you raised your eyebrows. You'd never thought about that, what if they decided not to invite you?

"Why wouldn't they invite you?" asked Wanda, "You're a teammate too, and you're good friends with them. They couldn't invite everyone but you,"

She did make a good point. "Yeah but would you invite your ex to your wedding, that's weird," you said, "And not only that, I'm also still in love with him, which I only just discovered today, ugh this is so not how I wanted this whole thing to go," why why were you still in love with Bucky? And why had it taken you so long to realise that, because now you didn't have a second chance. 

How could you be so stupid? Of course you were still in love with him, you always would be.