Under the influence

Fear

I remember the very first time I met you as if the memory was burnt into my brain left to leave the mark of your love. I should have given you my all , you deserved that much from me. I let you go as if it did not make my heart squeeze inside my chest to protest the action.

I think I was the truest version of myself when I was with you , when your hair was a mess and we layed quietly beside each other whilst the melodies blared through my headphones. You trembled at my touch , when I would graze your skin softly and run my fingers just a little bit too high against your upper thigh. I smiled the brightest when we were sat laughing goofily in the backseat of your mother's car , smiling at each other like we were in love.

You hated each time I went back to her , you knew you could love me more purely then she ever could. I hated that you let him have you , he was unworthy ,he was not me. You've got a good man now , one who lets himself love you In all the ways I was too afraid to. My brother keeps asking why you and I are no longer friends , and I brush it off as if my heart does not crumble and clench.

I have never had anything healthy and it terrified me when you presented the purity of who you are right in front of me. I could not love you like that , my heart would not survive it if I did. A love like ours would destroy me when it reached the end ,and so I chose to leave with my heart in half instead of its shreds laying numbly inside the palms of your hands.

I miss you , I have no right to ,but there is no denying that I do. I would rather have you hate me like you do,then for you to have me whilst I am still afraid.

      
                        -Liyah Smith