Nerd || Jung Jaehyun

14

Days passed by and people were slowly starting to forget Charlotte. Someone left this world and they mourned her death for a few days then just moved on as if nothing happened.

I knew the world wouldn't stop if someone passed away but it was sad that they'll be forgotten in a matter of days.

The funeral was sad. Her parents came and were brokenhearted. I didn't even think of introducing myself to them because who the hell am I to do that?

Everything happened so quickly and so suddenly.

I was in my dorm room when I heard someone knock on the door and burst into the room. I knew it was Johnny so I didn't even take a glance at who it was.

"Jaehyun. I have something important to give you." He said calmly. I didn't move a muscle. I just kept staring at the ceiling.

"Charlotte's roommate gave me this. It was on her desk." Johnny said. I looked at him and saw him holding an envelope up. I shot up from my bed and snatched it from his hand.

I then turned the envelope around to see my name written on it. I held it as if it was precious and fragile.

I opened the envelope carefully and slowly. I grabbed the paper that was in the envelope. As I pulled it out I was slightly shaking and my heart was about to burst of of my chest.

You aren't the reason why I left. It's not your fault. I was in pain and had to leave before I back out like I always did.

I was always happy around you but that wasn't enough for me to start loving myself.

I was broken inside and was on the verge of breaking on the outside but I left before anyone could witness it.

I had feelings for you but I was afraid that you didn't feel the same about me.

Move on and live your life as if you never knew me. Goodbye.

I hated that she used past tense. She knew that there was a huge possibility that she wasn't gonna make it or that she wouldn't back out.

How could I do that when all I feel towards her was guilt and regret?

"You OK man?" Johnny asked me. "Yeah I'm fine. I just need to go out for a walk. I need some fresh air." I told him as I grabbed my jacket then wore it.

"Want me to come with you? To keep you company?" He asked. "No it's fine I just want some time alone to think and clear my mind off of things." I said as I was holding the doorknob of my room.

I left without waiting for him to reply. I just needed to leave the room before I broke down. I needed to get out of anyone's sight before I broke down.

I began to run I didn't know where I just kept going and let my legs lead the way.

I kept it all in for a few weeks and I felt like I was about to explode. I kept running and running until I felt like my legs were about to betray me because I felt exhausted.

I dropped on the grass and laid on my back as I breathed heavily. My chest was moving up and down for my lungs to get as much oxygen as it could. I placed my hand on my eyes covering them from the bright moon but I noticed that they were wet. It couldn't be sweat. I knew they were tears but I didn't control them. Maybe they were so exhausted for forcing to stay in and just fell down on its own.

I was frustrated, angry, sad, broken and even empty. I felt all of these mixed emotions at once. No one was around me which I was glad about and I yelled so loud until my lungs were yelling for oxygen. I then started sobbing. I just couldn't take it. Everything hit me all at once. I was hiding and bottling all of my emotions until I finally broke.

I wasn't able to tell her I love her. I wasn't able to tell her it was fine. I wasn't able to save her. I didn't know that she was suffering. As impossible as it sounds I wish I could turn back.