Nerd || Jung Jaehyun

15

"Jaehyun, I don't want to ever see you again." When she said it that's when I knew I'll never forget those words, that's when I knew I'll regret letting those words slip out of her mouth. Those words kept repeating in my head ever since she passed away.

Months passed by and I still couldn't move on. I kept creating scenarios in my head. What if I did this or what if I did that? Would everything change?

My head was screaming words I should've said but didn't because of my so called pride. There was so much I wanted to say but just couldn't, if only I knew.

When she walked out she didn't only walk out of my dorm room, she didn't only walk out of my life but she also walked out of this world. What really hurt me is that I was the reason or one of the reasons that caused her to do what she did to leave. She said I wasn't but my mind kept convincing me that if I stopped her she would still be here.

That's it she was long gone and I still couldn't let her go.

I couldn't do anything but watch her walk away. I just let her leave. I kept watching her until she disappeared from my sight. Little did I know that was the last time I'll see her.

If only I was able to show her my true self, my true feelings towards her. If only I knew about her feelings towards me I would've immediately confessed to her but I was afraid that she'll think I'm pathetic or back away from me. If only I had the courage to stand upon her and say what was in my heart and what was in my mind. I was afraid that she'll look at me differently. Guilt and regret were eating me alive. Having her close to me even just as friends was enough for me but after a certain period of time I wanted more. I was selfish, being friends didn't satisfy me. My desires kept pushing me to take more. I had to quench my heart, desires and soul by making her mine but I was too late. I should've told her before anything like this occurred.

Seeing her smiling all the time made me think that she was happy. Little did I know that she was just hiding her pain and agony behind that fake smile. She was in pain and I didn't notice.

Death is so cruel that it didn't give me the chance to say goodbye to her. I hate that it doesn't give us a warning or a sign that it's on its way. Of course it wouldn't but I just wanted to make up excuses even if they didn't make any sense.

If only I knew that that was the last time I'll see her. I would've made her stay. I would have forced her to stay. I knew she wasn't happy and was upset at that moment but I backed away so I won't pressure her. I thought she just needed time and space but I was wrong. The truth was that she wanted someone to stay and hold her.

Will a time come when I really forget about her? Will time help me heal? If that's true I hope that time passes by quickly.

It's too late for us to go back like we where in the beginning. She's gone and I'm still here struggling to forget my feeling towards her.

I still loved her even though I knew she'll never be mine. 

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