𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 - 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐭

𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐈'𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞

Dirty. That's probably the most fitting word right now. It's what I felt immediately after I left Timothée's room. It's what I still feel and I still am even though I took the most hottest shower I ever had and scrubbed my skin from head to toe until it turned blazing red.

Afterwards I cleaned the fogged mirror and stared at myself for twenty minutes. Nothing has changed physically but a lot has changed mentally. I did something that I never imagined myself to do. I had a full on panic attack after I realized what I did. Timothée should've stopped it, he's the older one. That's what I'm telling myself over and over but I know I'm just trying to load off all the guilt and sin that's laying upon me.

We're both at fault me more than him. He broke up with her he did the right thing but I should've stopped because she is my sister I don't care if their relationship was toxic or not. She was still family and she will never talk or look at me again when she finds out what happened between timothée and I.

I can't sleep. Can't close an eye and I know it's the punishment I deserve. The clock shows me it's past midnight and that means that I'm officially eighteen. Happy birthday to you Arwen. Happy birthday to being such a fuck up. Mom would be disappointed if she knew what I did and still am doing.

Because even though I'm telling myself it was wrong my heart beats faster every time I think of him. It's a curse someone did this to me I'm sure. How can something feel so right and be so wrong? Maybe this is all a bad dream and I'm going to wake up in a few hours beside Jenna and nothing has happened.

We have our beloved sister bond and can live happily without any complications. But it doesn't feel like I'm going to wake up anytime soon. I roll out of my bed quietly, not to wake Lola and I put on some socks leaving the motel room.

The cold air meets my face and cools it off a bit. I walk over determinatedly and open the door of another hotel room slipping inside quickly. Two beds are standing in the room and I tip toe over to one and get under the duvet cuddling myself into the pillow.

"Arwen?" Dawson croaks surprised as his eyes fly open. "Shh you're gonna wake up Tarver." I tell him while he puts his arm around me letting me cuddle him. "I couldn't sleep just hold me for a few minutes okay?" I ask him trying to hide my face because I know that many tears are rolling over my cheeks.

I can feel his suspicion but I know he's not the type to interfere. Well I thought so based on his past actions but it seems like he changed his mind this time. "What did he do?"

"Nothing-wait what?" I look up at him surprised. He shoots me a look and he gives me the most disappointed look I ever got from him. It's close to moms ones and it makes me feel my heartbeat in my throat. "Who?" I ask him innocently maybe he's getting it all wrong and I am lucky.

"You know who I'm talking about do I really have to say his name." He says and I sigh shaking my head no. "How do you know?"

"I had my suspicions I wasn't even really sure until now but now I know it." I bite my lip until I taste blood and wait fo him to speak up again. When he doesn't and I look up at him. He puts his hand over my hair and starts to stroke it slowly.

"Are you mad?" I ask him scared that he'll hate me. Dawson is one of the persons in my life who I would give my life for. He's one of my Idols and I don't want him to feel bad about me. "At you? No. At him? Yes." He says and I immediately shake my head.

"It's not his fault Dawson I promise. I am guilty."

"You're not Arwen, you're just a teenager. Until yesterday you were seventeen, he's turning twenty and knows what consequences are coming with this. Not that Jenna will explode over this, you were underage too." He tells me and when he words it like that it sounds really bad.

Timothée is just a human as well we make mistakes that's how we learn. "I never felt like this before." I admit the truth and he sighs again. "I know but that doesn't mean it's right. There are so many good guys out there and even though I hate the image of anyone being good enough for you I know you're going to find one someday."

"I don't want them." I say stubbornly and he laughs. "Arwen let me tell you. Timothée might be the only one you see right now but once when it's over you're going to see that there's much more out there." His words make my heart squeeze painfully and I push my face into the crook of his neck as new tears stream over my face.

"Sorry I don't want to make you sad Arwen. I won't tell you what to do I'm just giving you advice, okay?" I nod in his neck and I know that he's just telling me what seems right to him.

"Use this roadtrip as a goodbye. Enjoy this time but you know you have to turn into the real world when we get back home."

"I'm scared." I whisper and I feel him nod against my head. "That's totally normal Arwen." I shake my head because he doesn't understand.

"No. I'm scared. I think I'm in love with him and it's hurting so bad I can't stop it." I say the words that are weighing my shoulders down. Dawson tenses up and I know I shouldn't have said these things.

"What do you want me to say to this?" He asks quietly.

"I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to know that this is not just a high school crush Dawson. I love him with every cell of my body. He makes me feel complete and I can be myself without worrying to be judged. He supports me in everything I do and I know he would do anything for me. I know I'm still young and not experienced but if you believe just the smallest bit in soulmates or fate I'd lay my hand over a fire because I'm sure that he is mine. Whatever it is, whoever is responsible for us meeting it was destinied. His soul and mine are the same, we're made out of the same source.

I know it's wrong you don't need to tell me and I know I can't do this to anyone. Just please say nothing and hold me because I'm blaming myself enough. I don't need another person laying all the weight on me." I finish and I look up to see his stunned expression. Instead of saying anything he squeezes me closer and nods.

I sigh relieved because I know I still have my brother. He is not mad at me and he's not treating me like I am a child. He understands that I know the consequences better than anyone else. I'm going to fix this I know I have to. But for this trip I won't.

I want to enjoy it and stay in the safe bubble as long as I can, we're going to figure something out afterwards I know it. We always do.