my songs and poems :)

Letter To Mom. (personal dumping)

All I ever did was hurt you. Watching you tear up feels like hell and knowing it felt like grabbing hellfire. I could never understand who you were and I feel like we should talk more because I know you love me, but love me why. Been called a loser thrice this week already and I don't want to let you know how much it hurts 'cause I've been hurt way too much to ever open to anyone so I could never tell you anything. Hurts because I feel like I'm prioritizing everyone except you. I have imagined my life without you and though it was just a stupid, lonely kid wanting to be more lonely, I just knew I wouldn't survive without you around.

I wish you would understand me.

I saw you tear up when I opened up how I could have proceeded in killing myself during the math period, having proceeded tearing off my skin halfway.

I'm a loser, mom, I'm a loser who don't want to be reminded of that. Cowardry pasted on my forehead because I'm just too afraid to remove it. Self doubting and yet hurting everyone around, I'm afraid that's all I am.

I want to be more than that.

Change isn't easy at all. Seeing people in front of you moving past and the people who thought you were bigger than this be disgusted about whom you truly are- I felt like dying, I wanted to, and almost did it. I wish I wasn't like this, wish this wasn't a personal default because I'm losing everything I had going good, now, even affection. Now I'm craving for a little bit of affection even if it's from a stranger online. Little bit of love.

Sorry for hurting you.
Sorry.