Glader Girl (A Maze Runner Fanfiction)

Chapter 16 - Newt

"I jumped."

Those two words were like bullets to my heart. 

 "W-w-what do you mean you jumped?" I stuttered. 

He took a deep breath and tore his eyes away from mine. 

"Clary, before I met you I was messed up, well I guess I'm still messed up. But it was bad. There was so much weight on my shoulders and I knew deep in my heart we would never get out of here. I hated myself for it, We would be stuck alone in a maze for the rest of our lives and as keeper of the runners it was mostly my fault. This isn't how people should live. Nobody can remember their family or their friends, anything, they took away our memories, they took away who we are. And that's not okay with me.

I tried to end it so many times, I wanted to so badly. Everything for me was dark, I was dark. I was an empty shell, so lonely, so broken. I would cry myself to sleep every night and in the mornings, despite my mind praying to never wake up I would pry my eyelids open and fake smiles to all the gladers." 

He brought his beautiful eyes back to mine, his face was tear streaked and pale, his bottom lip quivering.

"And then you came" His voice softened "I remember seeing you for the first time and thinking I was imagining you. Then we started getting close and I knew someone out there was looking out for me. I started to convince myself that I was getting better, that I was okay. I would wake up everyday just because I got to see you. I thought you saved me, I thought I was normal. But then you left me."

His voice faltered

"And I broke, all the darkness and self hatred came back. And this time I couldn't fight through it, I had a taste of happiness and then it was ripped away. You got my hopes up, you made me vulnerable. I hated you for it, I blamed you in hopes to make myself feel better. It didn't work, it didn't work because I'm in love with you. But I knew I wasn't worthy to have these feelings for you. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I stopped doing my job. I didn't want to be alive anymore, I would sit in the maze, hoping, praying that I would get caught and banished or that a Griever would come at get me. After two weeks of disappointment I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I should just do it myself. I used what little strength I had to climb up the vines of the maze walls. I pictured your beautiful face one last time before I jumped. While I was planning it I assumed that I would regret it as I fell to the ground but I didn't, not at all. I was at peace for the first time since I got to the Glade. I hit the ground and it hurt so much, but not as much as you leaving me. I knew I had failed at something once again, all I had succeeded in doing was losing the feeling of my leg. I figured I deserved a slow death anyways and I would just lie there until the maze closed. But minho heard my fall and found me. I went unconscious after that."

We lay in silence for a minute.

"Newt I love you." We were both red faces and tears "It hurts me so much to know you feel this way. You don't deserve it, not at all. You're so good and hardworking and funny and I've fallen in love with you. I'm going to love you enough for the both of us and you're going to get better. Newt please please take me back. Please. I need you and you need me."

He looked at me with wide eyes.

"Newt, say something." I pleaded.

"Y-you still want me back even though you know how bloody crazy I am?"

I bit my lip and nodded my head.

He pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. 

"I love you." He repeated over and over into my hair.

"You've lost so much weight." I was sitting crosslegged at the end of Newt's small cot, facing him.

"These past couple of weeks haven't been the best for me either." I looked away from him, ashamed to compare my hurt to his. He brought his hand to my chin and gently brought my eyes back to his.

"You have to eat Princess, please."

I nod my head.

"Everyone should probably know you're up." I glanced down at his leg "Your leg looks bad."

"I guess." He slowly nods his head and I get up to tell Clint. As usual I run straight into him.

"Newt's up." I can't look at him, I'm still shaken about Newt.

"You should probably eat something." Clint smiles sympathetically. I shrug and for once do what I'm told. It's what Newt wants. 

When I get down to the tables it's no where near a mealtime and nobody is around. They're all at work.

Work! Sig! I haven't been to see him in so long. I guess I'll have to tell him about me and Newt. I sigh and make my way over there, I'll have food later, this is more important.

I slowly walk up the wooden steps and open the door to the room.

"Clarissa! What's wrong? Are you okay?"

I tried so hard not to cry, I cried more in the last few days than I probably have in my whole life.

"It's Newt, he's hurt." 

"I'm hurt too." He said playfully "But you've neglected me lately."

His face dropped when he saw I wasn't smiling. It pained me to see his joy go away, but this is what I do to people, this is who I am.

"I know. and I'm sorry but..." I paused "I'm love Newt."

I cracked, I started crying.

"And I love you too but I love you guys in different ways."

His lips formed an 'O'. 

"Right." He cleared his throat "Well that makes sense. Newt's a good guy."

"Sig I-"

"You know I'm actually pretty tired, You should go, I'll see you tomorrow." He flipped over on his side away from me. I nodded my head to myself and walked out the way I came. 

When did things get so difficult? I feel a piece of myself fly away with each tear that I shed. This isn't me. I'm not the type of girl to fall in love with boys or skip meals or cry. I'm so drained, emotionally and physically. I find Minho sitting against one of the building. He looks bad, probably how I look. I walk towards him and sit next to him.

"Newt just told me." He said, not moving his eyes from the ground "I didn't even notice he was feeling that way. I'm his bestfriend and I was too caught up in myself to even think about the possibility of the pressure he was under."

I don't say anything, I'm not good at making people feel better.

"Clint says he won't be a runner anymore, So I guess all the pressure will be on me."

I turn my head to look at the boy who seems to always have a smirk on his face, he doesn't right now.

"I won't let that happen to you." I promise "I won't let that happen to any Glader ever again."

But who will stop it from happening to me?