𝘙𝘦𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘺

Chapter 4

Blood had begun to cake underneath my fingernails.

I was so angry... I was so angry with the world. With myself.

I was too tired. Too weak to get up and run off the fumes until I was bent over vomiting in an alleyway. Too tired to get up and stare at myself in the mirror and rip myself from one end to the next for being so stupid... so weak.

There were crescent moon-shaped scabs embedded into the flesh of my palms, dark red and unhealed. I didn't care how much it hurt to dig at the scabs; didn't care how much it hurt to flex my fingers and my arms to dig deeper. I wanted to feel the pain.

Pain... seemed to be the only constant friend in my life.

And I needed her.

She never lied to me... and she was utterly loyal. She was there to kiss my mind goodnight and leave me ridden with disgusting thoughts. And there again when I woke up, waiting with a steaming pot of coffee to burn me from the inside out. She was the only person who played on the playground with me as a child. Though she was ugly, and she was loud with the shackles bound to her wrists and ankles... I found comfort in her.

I found comfort in the way she remained constant.

To me, pain was a mother.

I was fine with hurting myself, but Izuku... I was left sitting here and repeating it over and over to myself that I did what I had to do. Even if my eye dripped with burning tears and my fingers had been rubbed raw from stroking the blanket and there were open wounds on my palms, I didn't care. Sitting here with my lip quivering and my hair hanging over my eyes, I kept digging my finger into my wounds to focus my pain anywhere other than my chest.

I was fine with hurting myself, but him...

I can't fucking handle it.

He hurts now, and so do I... but If I just get it over with and hurt him now... I can protect him.

They told me... they told me to find a way to cope. He is my way to cope.

Protecting him is how I cope.

"Hey... Hey!" I turned, finding Shoto snapping his fingers in my face as he stared at me blankly. As soon as my eyes met his, he jumped a little bit before blushing and poking my cheek with his pointer finger. "Have you had lunch today?"

I swallowed roughly, taking a moment before my weak and raspy voice spoke quietly. "No... when did you get here?" I was almost embarrassed by my voice, but... asking for his hand or just staring at him would have been worse.

"Just a few moments ago. I thought you were sleeping so I was quiet, but... seems as though I must have misjudged you." He sighed, pulling a chair up at the foot of my bed before he sat down. He was dressed up... casual but fancy compared to his everyday UA uniform. He had on a pair of black jeans and a white sweater that hung so loosely, I could see his collarbones.

In his hands, rested a single blue flower.

"Rindou flowers?" I asked.

"My mother asked me to bring a flower back for you." He said simply, twirling it between his fingers as he softly smiled. "She said she would've liked to have met a friend of mine, but... I said we should wait until you can walk in there yourself. If that's alright with-"

"Yeah. That's fine," I sighed. The thought of seeing people while looking like this... It made my heart beat out of my chest.

He hummed, sitting the flower on the windowsill before turning back around in his chair to stare at the floor. He was silent, tapping his middle finger on his knee cap as his eyes darted around the room as he tried to take in every aspect.