I Love You, Man

Captorch Humerica

"Steve, if you're gonna cry, maybe tone it down, alright? People are staring."

"Let them stare," he whispered, his voice choked in his throat, "this movie is just...you're killing me, man. You're so good."

"Thanks," Chris smiled, giving him a little friendly nudge with his shoulder, "means a lot."

"Hey, could you keep it down-" a random man who was unfortunate enough to sit behind the duo began, but when both Steve-oh-my-god-it's-Cap-Rogers and Chris-are-you-fucking-kidding-me-Evans turned around to stare back in reply, he immediately silenced and returned his eyes to the screen.

They turned back around slowly, as if to make their point with one final glare, but you weren't having it. When the day had come that Steve and Chris had finally met, there was a shift in the universe that immediately set you on edge, alerting something within you that it would be a friendship for the ages. You knew within the first five minutes that these two knuckleheads would be nothing but trouble and mischief, and in the years that followed that day, they never disappointed your expectations. Chris would visit the tower every time that he found himself in New York, and Steve made sure to visit his house anytime that a mission put him anywhere near Los Angeles or Boston. More than anything else, they loved messing with people when they were together, particularly when Chris was filming for Marvel and you couldn't tell them apart. Sort of like right now.

"You guys really need to stop doing this," you whispered harshly, now turn around and apologize."

"For what?" Chris huffed, shaking his head in disbelief. "It's my goddamn movie and I'll talk if I want to."

"Christopher."

"Ugh, fine, MOM." Chris stuck out his tongue in his best attempt at childishness, but the icy look he was getting in return quickly changed his attitude. "Right, yeah," he coughed quietly, trying to clear his nerves before turning to face the man, "excuse me, sir? I just want to apologize for my friend and I. We'll try to keep quiet for the rest of the film. Thanks for coming to see it, by the way."

"Ok, sure, whatever."

"Really, bro? I was being genuine."

"I know," the man answered quietly, "but I'm trying to not draw any more attention over here than you two already have."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Chris pushed, his voice now growing louder as his attitude slipped. Even Steve was beginning to feel a bit put off, turning to join into the livening conversation while you slunk down further into your seat and mumbled an apology to the couple next to you.

"I was trying to spare your girlfriend over there any more embarrassment-"

"Eww, she's not my girlfriend," Chris snickered, providing his best attempt at a fake gag.

"She's my wife," Steve corrected, slapping his friend hard on the arm for his disrespect.

With Cap at peak exasperation now, you could feel the energy around your group grow colder, and decided that it was probably best for everyone in the theater if you took your troublesome duo out so that the other moviegoers could finish it in peace. You were about to stand when both of your boys gasped aloud, followed by that loud, uncontained laugh from Evans that left Steve swatting his hand away in annoyance before he could connect the infamous boob grab. The loud slap against his skin echoed around the theater at what had to be the quietest part of the entire film.

"Holy shit, (Y/N), do you know who this is?" Chris struggled. "It's Johnny-fucking-Storm! At my movie! At the same time! How cool is that?"

"Shut up. Are you serious?" You whispered in a complete sense of shock, not doubting for a second that this was just another one of the countless pranks that these two children at your side were playing. "Why would Johnny Storm want to see Gifted?"

"Hey, I take offense at that," Johnny answered, pulling his cap off and tossing it into the seat next to him. "I'll have you know that I've seen every movie that Evans has done. Even that really crappy one."

"Which one is that?" Chris joined in again, giving his full attention.

"Has to be Teen Movie," Steve offered with a smug grin, "I can barely sit through that one."

"Definitely not my best work."

"I'm gonna go with that Teardrop Diamond one," you decided to add. "I mean, yeah, you were really young and hot as hell, but I just couldn't get into it."

You could see the wheels spinning in Chris' head as he considered your choice of film, almost as if he were running the entire movie through his mind scene-by-scene. "Okay, but now I'm not sure whether to thank you or to tell you to piss off."

"No, it wasn't any of those," Johnny finally interrupted, "it was that one he directed-"

"Johnny..." Steve scolded, throwing him a warning glare, "not a great plan."

"Yeah, yeah, it was Before We Go or something like that," he continued on, despite the urging. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it was good, per se, but all you were doing was pretty much being yourself, man. They should've called it How to Pick Up Chicks with Chris Evans. By the way," Storm leaned in towards Chris to lower his voice, "I really need you to teach me some of that, if you don't mind. I'm in a bit of a dry spell now that you've started hanging out with Rogers. Chicks really dig you two and I'm feeling left out. I barely even show up on Tumblr anymore, and I can't scroll a page without seeing one of you two at any given time. If I see that helicopter shot one more time-"

"You probably follow Steve," you offered, tossing a handful of popcorn in your mouth, "no one gets as wet over Evans as he does."

"Shut up!"

"Doll!"

"What? Seriously, Steve, Chris is the only reason that you even have a Tumblr account. I can't get him off of Twitter either," you grumbled, shaking your head at Johnny, who was clearly enthralled with this development. "Now that he knows that you're on there, watch out, Storm. I have a feeling that you're about to see your content skyrocket."

Sure enough, the three men next to you grew immediately silent; you didn't even have to look their way to know that they were all face down in their phones to coordinate their social media accounts. It was bad enough that Steve and Chris were joined at the hip, and now you had just gained a third. As the moments passed by, however, you came to realize that maybe it wasn't all bad; you might actually get to finish a movie in peace before they turned your life upside down.