this is where it all begins...

naw dude

So, before you read, make sure y'all realize I wrote this while having an anxiety attack. Carry on.

Okay. So, I haven't ranted about anything anxiety-related in a while. Mostly bc I haven't had many problems with it.

For those who are new/don't remember/hadn't realized, I have an anxiety disorder. So...I'm constantly drowning in fear and helplessness and unknowingness and...just shit.

To describe anxiety is to describe what it feels like to be...I don't know. There's nothing to compare it to. Nada, zip, zero, goose egg.

But, when you (I) have an attack, it's actually like you're drowning. Its like everything piles on top of you and you feel so alone and so helpless and you feel like if you breathe then everything will fall down around you. You're caught up in tears and fear and self loathing bc why did you have to be made this way...

People with anxiety tend to have a better...realization about others' feelings. We pick up on so many emotions from others. Some call it empathy. But like for me, I actually begin to feel sad when I think someone else is sad. I'm happy when others are. I will specifically go out of my way to make sure you're happy, even if I come out the loser. Everything about my anxiety is terrifying. Especially how I react when others are angry.

I...I just...I turn into an abused animal. I cower, I cry...I hide. I've hidden in my closet before.

....I can't talk to my family about it. They write me off. They say I'm "negative, dramatic, or faking it." I'm not. Panic attacks, or anxiety attacks, are real. They're physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. They're scary.

I have a friend that I rely on because she has anxiety too. I envy her. She sees therapists about it. She has the ability to work on it, and to make it minimize the impact it has on her life...and she doesn't. I mean, she goes to therapy, but she doesn't want to make a change.

I don't understand why. I hate this constant cloud that's over my head. And the depression that comes with this stupid disorder...I can't even begin to describe it. How the two feed off of each other...

......I would kill to have the chance to make my anxiety go away...

I once passed out while my dad was yelling at me. I passed out twice. He left me in the floor bc he thought I was faking. Faking passing out.

You see the problem? A legit medical emergency, or problem, and he doesn't think to call 911. Instead...he leaves me there....

That's why I can't turn to my family. I will never be able to go to my family.

No.

So...my goal in life is to create awareness for this shit. To make people recognize that anxiety is a big deal. That it's real.

That is all...

Peace, and be sweet to one another.