this is where it all begins...

probs

Okay...so...I should start off by saying I am about to spew some mega drama. I am simply looking for support I can't exactly give myself right now. This isn't a plug for comments or PMs, but to be honest, I don't feel like I have many friends anymore, and I'm quite lost.

....I've known my boyfriend for...5 years, just about. We met our freshman year of high school, and we hit it off. He became my rock on many levels, lifting me up when I couldn't do it, or when my girl friends were being shitty. He's been through a lot with me. My best friend.

In January, we started dating. It was....against my better judgement. I knew I would fall hard for him. I think a part of me already had. Everything was...amazing. We went to prom, graduated together, held our party together...everything. we talked about what would happen when he left to college next fall. I'm staying here, in Colorado, and he's going back to England for school.

I knew he was going to leave. When he got accepted a few weeks ago, I was...happy for him, and sad for us. But I held on to the deal we made months ago; that we would try and stay together. Go long distance.

He told me he will always love me, and that he'd never just up and leave...he promised.

He told me recently that he didn't know where he wanted the relationship to go. He said he was confused, torn between wanting to settle down and have a life with me, or go and be a free spirit. It broke my heart, but I understood. And I still understand.

Tonight....(crying, again) he told me he wants to break up when he leaves.

...I...am at a total loss for words...I feel like I've been lied to, and for some reason, I'm hurt.

I dated an asshole for three years, always playing the game. He cheated on me, mentally abused me, etc.

I guess I thought Harry was the one? I guess I...let myself get too far gone with this one.

If it were any other guy, I think...I would split it off now, but...I can't.

A part of me still thinks he will change his mind. It's a year from now.

I think my problem is that...this is true, actual love. I could spend my entire life with him. And I would. The problem, is that he wouldn't spend his life with me.

So, I'm trying to take...this next year, if we make it that long, and enjoy it as much as I can.

...sorry for the sadness, all. I just needed a place for me to write this shit out.

Love,
Anni