Express The Distress

free

alone in my aqua painted bedroom reading, writing, thinking

always thinking, thinking, thinking

doing homework last minute, watching documentaries whenever the television is on, drinking caramel-colored coffee in gulps

ignoring my friends, worrying about ignoring my friends, shutting off my phone so i can forget about my friends

i'll tell them i was showering or walking my dogs. i'll tell them i didn't have my phone near and didn't see the message.

i've been with them all day. i don't want to talk. i don't want to hang out. i want to be alone. i want to reset my stress levels. i want to lie in my bed and shut my brain up. i want to be normal.

i want to pretend that going to school doesn't give me extreme anxiety. i want to pretend my friends are real and that i don't have to hide myself around them. i want to pretend that socializing doesn't terrify me.

but i can't

pretend

because my wires don't connect to the right plugs. because my electricity is an in and out game depending on who's around. because convincing myself of something so foreign to me is impossible.

my mind doesn't accept and my racing claustrophobic heart doesn't either.

my body takes over, controlling me, not me controlling it.

in crowds, i shake and twitch no matter how much i repeat to myself to stop. to be calm, to look human and not alien.

i feel like an alien.

so i like to be alone—where i can be myself—where i can breathe steadily—where the judgment is nonexistent.

not lonely but alone

where the sun doesn't make me insecure about what others think about my jean shorts; but where the sun brightens my day igniting inspiration.

in being alone it sets me free.

free from society. free from anxiety. free from the other person inside of me.