𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗦𝗼 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 | 𝑇𝑆𝑉 𝐹𝐹

4 | Forgivness

"It was all you...

everything I did was for you...

If you were better...

things would've ended differently."

-

Eddy sighed, blinking back the sleep from his eyes when he sat up in bed. He was still tired regardless of the fact he slept the full eight hours he's supposed to sleep.

He reached over his nightstand, grabbing the black rimmed glasses. Pulling himself to his feet, he stretched his arms a little, making some bones pop in the process. He took a few steps to his bookcase, lowering his head down as he mumbled a "Good morning Brett", his mind still a bit fuzzy from his sleep. Yet when Eddy looked up, he saw that the photograph of Brett was gone.

It was as if someone had splashed cold water onto his face at that moment, because he was wide awake within seconds. He was quick to drop to the floor to see if it had perhaps fallen and slidden into the small area under the bookcase, but when he didn't find it, he sprung up. "Oh god, please no."  He thinks so himself, spring out his bedroom door still wearing his sweatpants and black hoodie.

He rushes into the living room, almost knocking over some pictures on the wall when he sees Oliver lighting a candle. Eddy watches as he places the candle in front of the picture of Brett, which was now propped up next to some flowers on the small table, and slightly bowed his head. "Rest well my friend." Oliver whispers, "You are dearly missed."

Oliver turns around, jumping slightly when he sees Eddy in the doorway, with a look of bewilderment on his face. "Oh! Good morning! I thought he looked better out here, I brought some flowers." Oliver explains, setting the lighter down on the table.

Eddy visibly relaxes when he's able to process that Brett is fine. He walks up to the picture, and he takes a hold of it in his hands. "Hi Bretty." Eddy whispers.

-

Eddy is sitting on the edge of his bed once again. But he wasn't alone this time, there was a thin hand on his back, and a perfect mirror example of someone he had come to love sitting right next to him with the most apologetic look on his face.

The frail envelope is in his hands as he stares at the handwriting on the front.

To Edward Chen

"Brett died on the coldest night." Eddy starts, a small smile on his lips. "But the day he died was the brightest day I had ever gotten to experience. There were so many clouds in the sky, the sun was so blinding, and while it felt like a mock, it also felt— like nothing would ever change."

"I know." Oliver whispers, pressing a small kiss onto his temple. "I know... you see him in me, don't you?"

Eddy stared at him wide eyed.

Oliver remained smiling, he didn't look angry, he didn't look depressed, he looked cheerful and a bit, glad? "You don't need to feel sorry Eddy... I love being here with you even if it means I'm substituting someone else. I want to help you during the darkest moments in your life. Just let me ask you something. Tell me this one thing Eddy... what you feel for him... is it love or is it loyalty?"

Eddy remained silent, running his fingers over the paper envelope. He ran a finger over the handwriting, feeling every little small dent, every little bit of hesitation that was written onto the front.  The words seemed to be prancing; maybe even shouting into his face. A mock. A simple mock of all the mistakes he made and all the ones he didn't. Just how the glasses represented a little flaw.. a flaw he could not fix...

Regret. Pain. Agony.

Five full years of it.

He couldn't help himself from letting out the tears that so desperately clung onto his heartstrings, and as he let them out, he also let out the words that had dug themselves into his head, that repeated themselves relentlessly day and night: "I want him to forgive me..."

"I'm sure he already has Eddy."

Eddy looks towards Oliver. His vision was blurry from the self tears, but he could still make out the black haired man with pale skin and a gummy smile settled on his lips.

"I'm sure he forgave you a long time ago." He continues. "Now it's time for you... to forgive yourself."

Eddy shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly as a sob ripped right through his throat. "I can never forgive myself. I just didn't know how to help him, and to this day I continue to be ignorant to the solution. I couldn't save him... and he didn't want to be saved either.." he whispers.

Just like many times before, the mark on his arm stung, just like the night where Brett plunged the blade into his skin, and let his blood drip onto the sand below while declaring a fateful promise. A promise that had since become something much more, because Brett followed through with it.

"No matter what happens, I'll never leave your side. I promise to always come back to you."

"It was me. It was me who allowed him to get so close to the sea. It was me who held his hand when he swallowed his final breath. It was me who didn't do enough for him." Eddy sobs, clenching onto the paper tightly.

The glasses that stare right back at him vacantly, the violin that was propped up against the wall, the room at the end of the hall... it was all there to forever follow him.

"Well... I think the first step is;" Oliver puts a hand on his shoulder. "to read what he wanted you to read many years ago." He motioned towards the envelope, he leaned down to press a small kiss to Eddy's hair, then left the room to give him some privacy.

Eddy stares at the envelope, and he manages to wipe off some of the tears that managed to soak down to his shirt.

He closed his eyes.

That wide smile.

That sunshine personality.

The pale skin.

The bone like body..

"Brett..." Eddy whispers one final time, before taking a deep breath, and ripping open the paper.