𝗬𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗦𝗼 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 | 𝑇𝑆𝑉 𝐹𝐹

7 | Confessions

The wind picked up, blowing right through Eddy's coat. Autumn had begun to settle in into the small town, making the trees shed their colorful leaves— as usual.

Brett's violin was on his back, he walked down the sidewalk with a small smile on his lips. He had gotten permission to bury the violin right by the ocean, on the small cliff where some people would jump off of directly into the ocean. The cliff was covered with grass. He and Brett would go there often, it was a perfect practice spot. Away from the people but also getting the perfect amount of air into their bodies. It was a refreshing time whenever they went up there, and it would end with a kiss on the lips or an ice cream in their hands.

Eddy set the violin down on the grass, along with the shovel, looking over the cliff side into the ocean below. He took in deep breaths, closing his eyes and allowing himself to relax as he pulled out his notebook with a pencil. He thought back to everything; the past five years of grief, the moments with Brett, the fear, the love. He took all those emotions into account and then began to write:

Dear Brett,

  Hey love, I'm writing to you as a way to finally— say goodbye— I guess you can say? I'm sure you're freely swimming at the bottom of the ocean with the fish and are finally eternally happy. I'd love to see you doing that and it's a shame I cannot, but I can almost imagine you laughing away and finally getting the happiness you deserved after all those years of mental torture.
I was thinking back to how you were so scared to show me if you were hurting. The thing is, I wasn't about to leave you during such harsh moments and I always accepted you the way you were: absentminded and all. You did scare me sometimes, like when you began to get overly pale and thin, I was afraid that one day I'd look up to no longer find you standing right by my side. I guess I did become codependent of you, because there was not a day where I did not think of you.
Before we met— and before everything— I was lonely— yes. I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of what would happen if I even thought of leaning on someone. However you were never a nuisance to me— in fact I craved for your eyes to continue to lay on me. I would become unexplainably distressed when I was far away from you, and while you were strange and different, I didn't mind it. It's not everyday where I find someone as unique as you. Precious and unique. You were everything I ever wanted to be.
I love you Brett. I'll choose you over everything and even now, I choose you. And I'll keep choosing you until the day I die... but I no longer feel guilty for what happened, or at least not as much.
I feel like I've come to terms with those feelings, and I feel like I can put you to rest. How is the after life, Brett? I hope it's as good as you imagined it to be, and I hope now you're eating well and enjoying yourself.
Memories of us sitting on the edge of this exact same beach I am currently writing this on will be imbedded into my memory. I can imagine us running up and down the sand like how we used to do before. Feeling the wind in our faces and tasting the salt water on our lips with sand in our hair. The sea speaks stories of us both, two violinists who lost themselves to the mind, lost souls who accompany each other in the brightest and dullest moments in time.
Every kiss we shared, I felt like my heart would right about burst into your hands. A delicacy you were; you had me squirming from the affection you showed me. A hug was enough to make me feel internally warm, and a kiss told me words you could not express. You shared all your feelings into those kisses; melancholic, spirited, and freed. I have only now begun to understand what it meant to be free. But you also shared it into your musical playing. I could feel the emotions radiating off of you every time you gave me a small performance of a piece you had been practicing.
Each day I miss you more and more but I'm not afraid to continue forward now. I take one more step and instead of feeling anxious or afraid, I feel like I'm accepting it more and more.
I wish I could say more, but the truest and deepest words have already been said. They were said back when we were on the sand of this beach. I also feel like there are more people who need to hear them: the people I've kept waiting for five years.

Thank you, Brett, for opening my eyes and holding my hand throughout my entire adolescence and into my adulthood, and now I'm grateful that you've let go of it. I will forever love you, you will always be my first and truest love. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future, but in another life hopefully, I'll meet you once again. I'll know if it's you, whatever shape you decide to take on, I'll always come back to you one way or another.

Thank you...

for taking me on your adventure.

Sincerely,
Your lover,

Eddy Chen

He ignored the tears that ran down his face in huge pools as he shakily folded the letter and placed it inside the envelope he had brought with him. He couldn't help but smile, this was it.

Opening the violin case was like opening a forgotten soul. It was the way to set both Brett and himself free completely. He brought the sealed envelope to his lips, closing his eyes while he gave it a soft kiss. Then he placed the paper on top of the wood of the fragile instrument. Digging into his jacket's pocket, he took out the black rimmed glasses, placing them inside as well before he sealed the case up once more.

"I love you."

He dug up the hole.

He placed the instrument into it.

He covered it with dirt.

Turning away from the scene, he wiped his tears away with the sleeves of his jacket. He couldn't relax yet.

There was still something he had to do.

He walked away from the hill.

Everything was clear.