Jennie Kim Is Not Gay || jenlisa

Chapter Fifty-four

"Hey," Lisa says.

It's the next morning at school and Lisa still feels as if the breaths she is releasing are shaky, still feels as if the smallest thing might push her over the edge.

She feels a little calmer when she sees Jennie though. It's stupid really, these feelings she has for the other girl. Life would be so much better if emotions were the sort of thing you could control with a flick of a switch. Lisa knows Jennie is off limits, and so she'd flick them off. But that's not possible and so instead Lisa is left to stare at Jennie and feel the clenching of her heart.

And Lisa knows it's idiotic and stupid and all kinds of other synonyms. She knows, deep down, that Jennie doesn't really deserve Lisa's heart. That Jennie has come close to breaking it time and time again. But that doesn't stop Lisa from letting Jennie do it, in the hope that Jennie will turn up with bandages not long after.

Mistake after mistake. Apology after apology. Their relationship follows a pattern. And it might be masochistic of Lisa but she finds she's not ready for it to end, not just yet, not when her heart still aches for Jennie.

"Hey," Jennie says back.

Lisa notices that there's something off about Jennie today; as if something's changed overnight. As if the Jennie in front of Lisa isn't the same Jennie she saw yesterday. Lisa decides to let it slide though.

"You okay?" Jennie asks.

It's a vague question but Lisa knows what Jennie is really asking. She wants to know what happened after Lisa put down the phone, wants to know whether Lisa is still in a state of self resentment, whether she decided to give up.

Lisa fixes a smile on her face.

"I'm fine."

"That's the shittiest answer I've ever heart."

Lisa begs her smile to grow a little wider.

"Are you okay?"

Jennie doesn't answer the question straight away, and when she finally opens her mouth to speak the words that come out are completely unrelated.

"Do you wanna hang out after school? Just you and me?"

"Just you and me?" Lisa echoes.

"Yeah."

Jennie makes no move to elaborate and Lisa doesn't want to ask too many questions. This Jennie is definitely different and Lisa is starting to worry, and so she can't bear to say no.

"Sure thing."

The space between them falls silent after that. Lisa desperately wants to fill it but none of the words he thinks of seem to fit right. And so she lets the silence grow, stretching like a never ending gap between them and Lisa wonders – not for the first time – if things are ever really going to go back to normal.

It seems like it's one step forward, three steps back.

But how can things go back to normal? After kisses and confessions and being so close, how can things ever go back to normal? How can Lisa look at Jennie and see her as friend, when really she's looking at the girl she loves? How can Jennie look at Lisa and see a friend when Jennie knows that Lisa is hopelessly in love with her?

How will it ever work? Why are they even trying?

You and me against the world.

Jennie's words reverberate around in Lisa's mind, grounding her, reminding her why they're clinging onto their frayed friendship. Because Lisa knows that losing Jennie will hurt her far more than holding onto her is.