The Black Swan | Reposted

Chapter 74 - Seasons (Mature)

I was day dreaming.

I was dancing and dreaming, the two were walking and in hand at the moment. I was a little lost, a little cracked, and completely and utterly conflicted.

They say that when you lose a limb, an arm or a leg, even after it's gone, you will feel the need to scratch it. They say you can feel the ache of a sore foot, even though it does not exist on your body. That's what I was feeling, except Harry was that limb.

I felt this terrible want to call him, see him, and just listen to his voice ramble. I'd do anything. At the same time I didn't want to be near him, not at all. It was the most confusing time of my life at the moment.

At the same time, I would wonder if I missed who he was in my life because I had lost so much all at once. I was latching onto him as a way to cope. He could have been a comforting leg to stand on in this whirlwind time.

It was still packed with snow. It was still heavy and chilly. Time really wasn't moving all that fast, I probably hadn't seen Harry in sometime. I didn't want to keep track. I wanted to keep being independent, well, at least try. I wanted to keep healing myself and working on building who I am without someone guiding me along the way.

Why did I need someone to teach me how to be myself? The past few weeks without any other person's presence in my life... it felt pretty good. It felt nice to work through my mother's death, to think of my career and myself and how I wanted to represent myself at the Company.

It felt good to go over every aspect of my being and who I was today. It felt good to see how my perspective have changed on the world and on life. I learned a lot. I learned that mental health, independence, and self-respect is something that should be cherished and cannot be thrown away. I let it all go so easily, and it was shocking to me. It was shocking what I was willing to part with aspects of my inner self.

I grew greatly, and I felt so tall and strong, well, slowly. I was still gaining my roots and staying strong. I was still learning, like any other girl in her twenties. I felt like I was ready to take on the world. It felt like so much was at my feet still, as opposed to before when it felt like my world was crumbling. I had hope.

The snow was on this level of intensity. I was battling my way through it to go to the studio. I felt like dancing, real dancing and not day dreaming about it.

I needed a breath.

I fell into the warm embrace of the Company. I walked to the studio, one where I never danced with Harry in. I stripped down from my jeans to reveal the tights and leo beneath it all. I hung up my coat and I absolutely froze.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

Harry bit his lip for a second. This quick, anxious bite jumped out of him onto his lower lip. I felt so incredibly odd to be around him again... it wasn't that scary, or painful.

"Will you... will you dance with me?"

I swallowed and for whatever reason, I nodded.

He did too in response and walked to the iPod dock, plugging in his phone. His stride wasn't the normal walk he held, it was very uncertain, shaky even. He scrolled through and he walked to the center of the studio and a song played.

It was the first song we had ever once danced to.

I don't know what was really happening. I just started remembering how it all began with him, the feeling of pure hate for him, gosh, back when I was with Liam. That was one poorly written chapter in my life.

Then the song suddenly changed and his face split into a smile. It was the dance we did, Ginger Rodgers and Fred Astaire. I couldn't help but giggle as we swung and danced, the song kept shifting. It kept changing to all these wonderful memories, even the theme songs to the movies we watched. It was fast pace and bright, it was happy and so incredibly good as a whole. Our bodies just clicked so simply, knowing exactly what steps to take.