The Black Swan | Reposted

Chapter 5 - Attitude

I was terrified this guy would ruin this performance for me. I didn't give a shit if he was a fantastic dancer with a great lifting record. I needed to know who I was leaping at. It was just how I always worked. You had to have trust in dance, it was needed. I had no idea how to combat this. Not only that but what did he mean by, the likes of you? What the hell did I do?

This wasn't something I was used to. I was a very gentle girl, I was soft spoken, I wasn't much of a fighter. I was a good girl; I was always well behaved and dedicated to my craft. People liked me for that reason, the liked me because I was a gentle person. I had... no one has ever disliked me before, at least not to my face. I baked everyone cookies on their birthday, I sent people cards, I was thoughtful. That's what I liked to think. Why would someone hate me, without even spending that much time with me? How could someone be so narrow-minded and judgmental? It wasn't fair to me; it wasn't fair that he just hated me off the bat. I didn't judge him for all his tattoos, or his cold, hard facial expression. He should have given the same courtesy to me.

We had been working for a week now and I politely asked that we wait to dothe more technical, lifts and leaps for as long as possible. My instructor
understood that it was such a major change in partners and was very accommodating. I knew I carried weight at this company, especially when it came to my last name. Sometimes... I knew I got some special treatment, but not much.

I think Harry hated my guts if I was being truthful. I had no clue why but he
was so freaking cold towards me, which never happened. All the practices were so tense and uncomfortable; he was like this ice box. I didn't understand how someone couldn't show a flicker of emotion other than annoyance. Finally, I just snapped.

"Great work," our instructor called to us. We all took ragged breaths and
walked for our waters. Harry started out, walking down the hall as he tossed his bag over his shoulder. I hurried after him, leaving Liam confused.

"Harry," I ran and stopped in front of him. He stopped walking, annoyed.
"Look, I get that you don't like me for whatever reason but I really need this to be one of my best performances if they'll even consider me for Swan Lake. I need that role. I can't be a fuck up in this ballet. I'm asking for mutual respect, that's it, that's all. I do not think that it's asking to much, you are a grown man, you should act like it and not be so childish and cold. if you can't deal with that get out and let me get a new partner that I trust and know.Get with it or get a new company."

I huffed out, so mad. I was never confrontational, but he might have been
standing in the way of my dream roll. I used an awful lot of tone in those
words, and a snarky expression. I hoped it would work.

I drove to my mom's studio, and climbed in her lap as she sat behind the front desk.

"Oh honey what's wrong?"

"My partner sucks."

"How could you have a sucky partner at that company?" she laughed.

"He won't be my friend. Mom, I have no idea how to embrace a performance when I'm scared my partner won't catch me. He won't be friendly."

She rubbed up and down my back, which I found so comforting. Even her
perfume made me so calm; it was always the same sweet scent.

"Well, honey, this is where the professionals get sorted out from amateurs. You have to let nothing, nothing stand in your way. You make that boy work for you. You stand up and take control of your body and you make him catch you."

"It's just hard. I'm so used to Liams hands, that's all,' I shook my head and took a breath. "I'm just going to go do some free style?"

"Go, have fun," she kissed my cheek and I climbed off her, walking into an empty studio. I put music on and stretched, and then I pulled on my slippers.

I decided to lose myself and just dance, and dance. I took a deep breath and changed shoes, into my en pointe shoes. I was going to do the hardest move in Swan Lake, fouettes, in pointe. There were thirty two in a row. This move had caused me a great deal of physical agony. I had busted my feet up a great deal, I had spent days laid up in bed because of the muscles in my foot spasming. It was a grueling progress, but it was one very worth it. It was a very difficult task; I had spent my whole life trying to build up the strength in my body for this. I stood and I spot the wall, and started.

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty one, twenty two, twenty three, twenty four, twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eight,

I fell back, collapsing. "Damn it!" I shouted and slammed my hand on the glossy wood. It was all I wanted. I was short. I had a few months to build up to thirty two, I had to. I had spent my whole life tacking one or two on every year my whole adult career, I couldn't quit now. I was so close.

I got up and sat with my mom again, we went out for dinner together. We got Chinese food, sitting across from each other.

"You look nice today mom."

She was wearing one of her scarves, she collected them. She had them hanging all over her home from her travels, she had been on stages all over the world, in so many dance magazines, film. There was one that she never, ever let me touch. It was this beautiful pure white one, with eyelet lace, hand crafted detail. I loved that one, so much. She had on a pretty blue one on, matching her sweater; her hair was pulled back in a smooth low bun. She had faint brown eyeliner around her eyes, her skin like porcelain.

"Thank you honey," she smiled. "So, how are you and Liam? Is he upset about it all?"

"Kind of, he really wanted to dance with me."

"I know, that's always hard. I had this one partner who was such a jerk too, you get through it. How is Sarah?"

"Great, great, she's working on other little projects. Everything is going well apart from my partner."

"Oh it'll get better, one performance."

"I know just one." I breathed out and took a sip of my water.

"Then you will go onto bigger and better pieces. I know it.' I forced a smile. "I remember when I was your age, gearing up to star in Swan Lake, it's a wonderful experience. I can't wait till you have it."

I knew she meant it almost as a compliment, saying I could be in the ballet. But it just added ten tons of bricks to my back. I wondered when her words would crush me.

"How is the studio?"

"Oh the competition team placed first at nationals."

"That's amazing!"

"It is, I'm very proud of them. It's all going really well"

We kept chatting, eating our dinner. I loved our frequent little dinner dates. The night went by and we walked out, hugging her before she climbed into her car. I hailed a cab and went back home, sinking into bed after a shower.

I wanted to be successful, and my mom was right, I needed to just get through it. I was a professional.