𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐓 2008

Transfixured: Snugs and Slails

Author: fireelemental79
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco mainly, Ron/Hermione, Neville/his retinue
Rating: NC17
Summary: "Well, we had a nice run. It was the strangest of times, but I'll remember the inanity of it with a wistful fondness. Harry and Draco. Partners, mates. Dancing to silly music in a deserted room. Slugs with benefits. Yes. A nice run. Strange, but nice.".
Warnings: Foul language, sexual references/sex, sexual innuendoes featuring references to slug mating habits, especially the really gross ones.
Word count: ~37,700

 

 

~Prologue~

 

If Harry had to explain the way he and Draco Malfoy came to be trapped behind a vastly sized boulder at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, both naked and upset, bearing their wands haphazardly in hands busily attempting to cover their particulars while trying to avoid being hit by unfriendly fire from their "enemies," currently waging a faux battle against them from all sides, he would have found it very hard to do so.

 

The full story behind the strange and disjointed episodes leading up to the battle, he would say, is long and complicated and completely unfathomable (as so much of Harry's life had become) and much of it is marked by a hailstorm of emotions, all crashing, bashing, or flying out of control. It is a story, he would say, filled with ups and highs and downs and lows, attractions, preoccupations, fixations, compulsions, obsessions and maybe a fetish or two, depending on whom you asked. Not to mention land dwelling gastropod molluscs and too much bloody hair gel, which was now raining down against their boulder hiding place like congealed tears from a bipolar giant.

 

If asked to tell the story, Harry would try to summarise it thus: "Suffice it to say, if we had actually followed the requirements of our Defence Against the Dark Arts assignment to the letter, we probably wouldn't have found ourselves clutching our particulars or wands while crouched behind a bolder at the edge of the Forbidden Forrest in an attempt to avoid, well, everything and everyone, while our classmates waged a faux battle against us."

Truthfully, as the enemy fire was simply composed of salinated gel seemingly ejected from some spot between the ocular tentacles of their "enemies" in high velocity bursts, which, upon hitting a target, would force said target to change from his battle-form (slug) back into his human form (at this point, Harry or Draco, since all their other slug team-mates had already been gooed out), it wasn't really the splattery-blasts they feared. The weapon of salty destruction, or "WSD" as someone had cleverly dubbed it (although just as soon as it was coined, nobody could remember who first said it), was formed quite ingeniously by Hermione from a hair gel charm she learned, oddly enough, from Neville, who learnt it, Harry was told by Terry Boot, from a sixth year Ravenclaw. The charm was meant to generate merely a daub of the stuff from the tip of one's wand in a fashion similar to a Muggle squeezing out a bit of it from a bottle. Hermione had changed it into a full-throttled weapon capable of producing horridly mucky results.

 

If Harry was forced, after unsuccessfully summarising the story, to actually tell it in its entirety, he would have started with the reading of a will. Well, not a Will will, as in an official document, lawfully dividing a person's estate amongst beneficiaries. Instead, it was more a series of scribbles on a bit of scrap parchment that George and his late brother had set down in a moment of morbid jocularity and under the influence of more than just a little Firewhisky. That neither George nor his family had seen fit to contest what Fred had decreed whilst intoxicated and in, more than likely, a purely facetious way could only stand as a testament to the Weasleys' understanding that even pissed and with a repressive evil empire looming over them, casting a shadow of death across their minds, the only thing that either of the twins ever took seriously was a joke. Harry understood this. It was what he liked about them. Even so, the fact that he made it into their will still surprised him.