Serenity [Book 2]

Chapter 10: feeling betrayed

Matt's POV:

I hate myself. I hate myself so much.

I shouldn't have got up. I shouldn't have walked away. I shouldn't still be walking away.

I'm such an asshole.

"Please, Matt, come on, stop walking away from me!" My best friend, my Frankie calls, following my every move.

As soon as I open my bedroom door, I stop and turn around. She's stood, tears streaming down her face, and guilt eats at me, knowing they're staining her cheeks because of me.

"I'm so sorry, Matt. Please." She breaks down, biting on her bottom lip.

"I'm your best friend, Frankie. Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, it's my only question that I desperately need to know. "I tell you everything. Damn it. I tell you every-fucking-thing that happens in my life, and you've just been sitting on all this for months. Do you know how fucking ashamed I feel, knowing that you were harming yourself, having nightmares and I didn't even notice?"

"Matt, please." She sobs, reaching for me. "I couldn't, I told you that. I couldn't even be honest with myself."

She been my best friend for nearly two years now, and this is our first argument – I don't know if it is though because I'm not angry. I'm hurt, confused, and honestly, I'm feeling betrayed.

"You told Ethan. He knew." I point out, not caring how selfish I am being. I love her, I love her so much but I feel fucking awful. She's gone through hell, and as her best friend, I didn't know. I didn't even fucking notice she needed help. "You told a guy that you had known a few months, maybe less, over us, your closest friends. We love you, Frankie, we would have been there for you!"

"I know! I know and that's what hurts more, but you weren't there. He found out after the breakdown a couple days before Christmas – I didn't just tell him. I had nearly overdosed in our bathroom and I pushed myself to tell him because I knew I had to, not because I wanted to. You were all celebrating Christmas, and it was never the right time!" She gulps, wiping her face with the sleeve of my red plaid shirt.

"There was never going to be a 'right time'!" I stress my point. Would she have never told us if she didn't have the panic attack downstairs, which was without question, terrifying.

"There would have. I would have made sure. I wasn't going to keep this from you forever. I didn't want to." She sniffles.

"You aren't in the wrong, I'm not mad at you, I'm upset. I've just learnt that my best friend in the whole world was in a car crash, that she lost her mom and went through how many weeks of abuse from her father. On top of that, you were triggered so much into physically harming yourself, and you have been dealing with this right in front of my eyes." I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "I feel like the worst friend in the world right now."

"No, no please don't. You're amazing, Matt." She pleads with me.

"You lost your mom, Frankie. You lost her, and you dealt with it alone. I hate myself for not noticing this. You sleep beside me every night and I never once woke up when you had a nightmare – you had to deal with that alone." I choke out, wiping my own tears now. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to. I just- I couldn't. I believed I murdered my mom for months. It's not exactly an easy topic to bring up." She chuckles dryly.

"I wouldn't have thought that." I say honestly – no way would I have thought that. "Your fucking father should be ashamed of himself, like what the fuck? I understand he lost the love of his life, but he took it out on you! That's fucked up."