𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐬

22

billie

just as i thought i finally fell asleep, i felt my phone buzz on my bed.

i thought i turned that shit off. great.

i groan, annoyed, and turn my phone off.

i was trying to take a nap after i dropped addy back home, to get some sleep, but i guess that plan was ruined.

for years now i've had terrible insomnia as well as the occasional sleep paralysis. alec would always come over when it was really bad and sleep with me. having a comfort person with me usually helped. but a few months ago, in the spring, i started telling him they went away. although, that was far from the truth, he just no longer helped. i didn't want to hurt him.

lately i've just been toughing it out. i usually go on with my day severely lacking sleep, but if i do end up falling asleep i'll almost always suffer some nightmare or sleep paralysis.

i've thought about asking addy. it would only be every once and a while, a casual thing. it wouldn't be some obligation. just like a sleepover. but i don't think bothering her so late at night is appropriate. there have been times where i've taken naps with her and i fall asleep so damn easy!

i hate that she's becoming a sort of security blanket. i hate it. i don't want to be so reliant on her, i really don't.

in the past days i've realized why i get so paranoid about addy compared to everyone else. i've already established i have feelings for her, but the fact that they are just there and existing with zero label or reassurance is the problem.

when you're someone's girlfriend, you are committed to them. you can't just leave them or fade out, you have an obligation to tell them if it's not working out on your part.

however, when you just like someone and they like you, you have zero obligation. yeah it would be common courtesy, but you just never know. you never know! addy has zero obligation to tell me if she gets over me or if she's fucking around with anyone else. that's the stem of the paranoia.

i want addy to be mine. i want to be hers.

that's it, i'm going to see her. i'm sick of feeling on edge constantly.

after a the usual brief drive, i'm at her house. i knock on the door and her mom answers.

"hi sunny, is addy here?" i say.

"she's just upstairs." she told me with her usual welcoming smile.

i leave her with a "thank you" and scurry up the stairs.

her door was wide open so i just kind of, walked in. lol. she was fast asleep, despite her lights being on.

i guess we both had the same idea?

i feel bad waking her up. but sitting here waiting for her to wake up is kind of creepy though. i turned off her lights so maybe she could sleep better, i don't know. i closed her door behind me too.

"billie?" she asks, her voice perfectly raspy.

"hi addy" i respond.