Forgiveness

4.4. Riga

The next morning I find Zemo planning our next 24 hours. He wanted to go to Riga. Thought I'd like it. Still consumed with thoughts of last night I only nod as he explains his plans to me.

"Everything alright?" What kind of question was that... Of course it wasn't alright. You can't just keep trying to prove you still haven't forgiven me, then say you didn't want to hurt me, and then kiss me.

"Yeah. Sounds nice." Zemo doesn't comment further as we get our stuff ready and go on a quick plane to Riga.

Riga is a beautiful city I had to admit. However I couldn't forget all the events from the previous day so I was constantly distracted. Zemo was talking about the architecture, about literally anything to try to get me to speak but I mostly gave him short one worded answers. As evening fell we ended up at this bar.

"I've gotta go talk to someone, wait here." Zemo leaves me alone at our table and I watch him head towards the back. Whatever he got going on I didn't care as long as he didn't try to escape. As I'm waiting for him a guy approaches me, making me roll my eyes. Here we go.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doing here alone?"

"Just waiting for someone." I responded irritated without looking at the man. "Excuse me." I try to leave my table but the guy blocks my path, grabbing my arm.

"Where do you think you're going?" Feeling really uncomfortable I try to push his arm away when suddenly he's pulled away from me by Zemo.

"Don't touch her." His voice is low and calm. The guy simply chuckles which was his second mistake as Zemo punches him straight in the face. The man is caught off guard but Zemo doesn't let him really react as he continues hitting him, catching the attention of the people in the bar. "Don't. Ever. Touch. Her. Again." He breathes out in between punches and only stops when I grab his arm pulling him back.

"You two! Out now!" the bartender yells at us and I drag Zemo outside.

After that whole experience Zemo and I go back to our hotel room. What the hell was he trying to prove? I had never seen him display such hand-on-hand violence before. As Zemo sets his coat down on the couch I see he's contemplating talking to me so I begin before he does.

"What the fuck was that, Zemo?" Zemo scoffs, shrugging.

"That guy put his hands on you, was I just supposed to watch?"

"You don't own me and I don't need you to protect me! You have no right doing any of this, Zemo!" He seems taken aback by my sudden outburst and tries to hold my arm, having moved towards me, but in the heat of the moment I use my powers to push him away. He stumbles slightly, but keeps his balance. The whole thing made me sick. "No. Don't touch me." A wave of realization hits me. I hadn't used my powers for the past months since Thanos. I fought off the terrible flashes of memories thinking about them and took a deep breath. Zemo notices my inner conflict.

"Don't. Let's just talk about this."

"So now you want to talk?! Yeah you know what fuck you Zemo!" A sob escapes my lips with the last words. "What are we doing here? Is this all just a game to you, what is..." Zemo interrupts me, his voice rising.

"It's not! I did try to talk to you, but you never got my letters so what do you want me to say?" The whole situation keeps reminding me of our last argument and I can't help the tears from falling.

"Then why do you keep giving me mixed signals?" Was it that difficult for him to admit that he couldn't let himself feel anything towards me because of the past.

"What the hell does that even mean?" Zemo's words make me even angrier. Could he not tell what he was doing?

"You say you care then that you still haven't forgiven me and then we kiss and you act like it's nothing!"

"It's not nothing...Don't you think this is difficult for me too? I've had years trying to cope with the past, all the while thinking you were reading my letters and not responding." His voice is filled with sadness and I look him in the eyes looking for any proof that he was lying but he didn't seem to be. I realize that he's right but the pain and guilt overcome that and I shake my head.

"I tried to understand you, you know? I really did, every day. I know you lost everyone, I know you were hurting and hate me for lying and for who I am. But did you ever stop to think about me?" Zemo mumbles something to himself then speaks up.

"Of course I did! I told you my intention wasn't to hurt you, you were the only person who tried to help."

"That's not what I mean! Did you ever consider how I felt? You hurt my friends, tried to turn my best friend against us and yet here I was thinking about you so often it interfered with my daily life."

"I wrote to you that I wanted to see you, to talk. Do you know how hard it is to go against my whole belief system because I care about you?"

"Well so do I!" We were both shouting at this point and I was finding it difficult to keep my thought straight. "Look, I don't have anything else to say to you. I cared about you, you hurt me, I'm deeply sorry for what I've done as well but I can't have you toying with me. That's all."

Zemo doesn't respond and instead just nods. So I guess that was it. We both had said everything we needed to say and the conversation had once again come to no conclusion. I hated the feeling that was rising in my chest. The pain and confusion I had felt before coming here with him has returned.

Couldn't Zemo just accept the fact that I care about him? I didn't know what to think. Even despite all the bad things he had done I could still under it see the Zemo I knew before. The way he made me feel in Paris was what I was clinging onto. The happiness from then now changed to despair.

The kiss had clearly meant something to both of us but we were too proud or too clouded by other feelings and our views on things that we couldn't admit it to each other. I didn't know if we could ever really forgive each other for our mistakes and it made me feel terrible because I wanted to. I really wanted to try to be happy and to move on. My thoughts that night were a mess and I fell asleep overthinking the recent events and wondering if I could have done anything differently.

Without much conversation I bring Zemo back to the prison and catch a flight back home, as if hurrying to escape him and with that escape my own feelings. A day later I got a package that I had to pick up from the mail, with a handwritten note inside. In the box is a beautiful silver ring. I start reading the note and my hands tremble as I do so.

"Apologies for the sudden mail, I know you said you were done with talking, but I wanted you to have this. I got it in Riga when I disappeared off to talk to somebody and I was going to give it to you then. They let me send it to you since I couldn't keep it in prison anyways. I didn't send it to your address since... you know some people don't want us to communicate. I'm sorry our last conversation was the way that it was. If next time we meet you are wearing this ring I'll know you still mean what you said and that you don't hate me.

Yours,H. Zemo "

With tears in my eyes I put the ring on my right index finger. I didn't hate him no matter how hard I tried to push my feelings away it was inevitable. I cared about him despite his revengeful actions against the Avengers and I wanted to try and make this work somehow. Even if it took a long time I was going to try my best to reconcile with Zemo. For both of our sakes...

Of course I didn't tell Bucky about any of that. It was mine to deal with and knowing he had most likely hidden my letters I wasn't sure I could share it with him. So I ended up just throwing myself into work until I was ready to face Zemo again.

~ end of flashback ~