Journals [Chaelisa]

chapter 18

Dear Chaeyoung,

One month with you. Four weeks of endless cuddles and unnecessary closeness. Four weeks of putting your open lips on mine and slowly letting them shut. And four weeks of incorporating Ed's lyrics into dumb conversations.

Thirty one days of endless hand holding, telling everyone that you're mine. Thirty one days of walking with your arm around my waist, proving to everyone that I'm yours. It's been thirty one days, and I'm still not used to saying that.

730 hours of sheer happiness. Regardless of all of those stupid little arguments we have... I'm always happy with you. I don't think there's anything you can do to make me seriously upset. Not anymore. Except for obvious things like breaking up with me... (please don't...) And 730 hours of being comfortable in my own skin. I'm amazed by how easy everything is with you. Initially, I thought I would be awkward and insecure in this relationship, but you don't allow that. You take every opportunity to lift my self esteem, and although I don't really show it, I appreciate it.

43, 829 minutes of living my biggest dream. Not being a celebrity, but being with you. It's just amazing to have someone always there, unconditionally. Even if we aren't talking, your presence is a solace to me. It's all of the reassurance I ever need. I love you a lot. All of the times we spend talking about everything but nothing at all are the best. It's deep, philosophical discussions and then utter bullshit not even five minutes later. Even our fights are fine with me. Everything is a perk.

2,629,743 seconds of you finally being mine, the way I've been yours all this time. Because even when we aren't together, you're still mine. 2,629,743 seconds and counting.

I don't even have words, for once in my life. All of this, collectively, has left me speechless. I have absolutely no idea what to even say to describe how overjoyed I am. It's been a month, Chaeyoung. A whole month. I've imagined it way too many times to count. And every time I look back on the way that I used to write about you and dream of actually dating you, I can barely comprehend that this is real. Remember that day I told you I felt like I was just going to wake up one day? Well, I haven't opened my eyes yet. And I don't think I will.

There was once a time where I thought I didn't even want to date you. I used to think that everything had an end. You know, girlfriend. I used to think that if I could just kiss you and hold you the way I do now, I would be satisfied. But there's a certain sense of security that comes with getting to call you my girlfriend. I feel entitled to you. Like you're officially mine. How dumb was I to think that things would be better without labels? Calling you my girlfriend is the greatest thing I've ever achieved. I think.

But at the same time, I know why I was scared of labels. Apparently we're in the honeymoon stage, or whatever it was that Somi called it. But regardless of its name, I know I want this forever. There's something in you that I know I'll never find in anyone else. And I'm not looking. But if there ever comes a day where you're not mine anymore, I'll know that it was you. It was always you. You're the one. And I don't know where this is going. I've been talking (writing?) too much. So I'll shut up now. But I love you. So much.

Chaeyoung looked down at her note from her girlfriend with misty eyes. Lisa always found a way to leave her speechless. She'd really never been this emotional before. What the hell was Lisa doing to her?

"What is that?" Somi questioned. She noticed how quiet Chaeyoung had been at the start of class. Her unusual behavior extended throughout most of the period. She'd caught onto the way she kept rereading that paper in her hand, but when she saw the tears in her eyes, she felt the need to address her.