Failed Mission

I Am No Longer The Winter Soldier

A/N: Had to re-write this one completely. Accidentally deleted the altered version bc ya girl be DUMB ((:

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I stared down at the shitty coffee that rested within the white plastic cup in the building that held my therapist's office. The drink was made with the intention to distract my mind from the constant jitters. I didn't even drink coffee. The jitters also didn't disappear for long and they made their way back, swirling around in my chest, causing it to tighten. I sighed quietly and just threw the full cup of coffee into a nearby trashcan, hearing the liquid slosh out into the bag that was placed within it, my plan being tarnished.

I paced over to the hard grey waiting room chairs that were bolted into the ground, plopping down on it and leaning against the wall. My eyes focused on the closed office door in front of me. Big bold black letters were painted onto the door; Dr. Raynor. I assumed this was the soldier's therapist.

My hands began to feel clammy and I rubbed them along my ripped jeans, wanting to dry them off but to no avail did it work. Instead, they just remained clammy from the anxiety that was crawling into my stomach and tightening its little fists around my intestines, squeezing. The urge to fidget around was immense, my legs starting to bounce up and down out of rhythm. It calmed me slightly, but not enough.

"Hi, (y/n)." My own therapist, Dr. Donovan had turned a corner and came into view from another hallway. Tucked under her arm was a large file with a ton of papers, giving me the impression that it had quite a bit of weight on it. "I'm glad you decided to do this today. How are you feeling?" She asked me as she sat down beside me, folding one of her legs over the other. The file she had now rested on her lap and she clasped her fingers together on top of it, peeking at me over her glasses that dropped down her nose slightly.

"Nervous." I replied honestly, "I just want to get it over and done with because then I don't have to see him ever again." Even though I kept reminding myself that this would be the last time, an unsettled pit still remained in my chest. I wasn't ready for this but I planned on doing it anyway.

"You're doing well. You've come a long way since your first visit, (y/n)." Dr. Donovan praised me, a proud smile forming at her lips. I smiled my thanks and thought back to my first visit; I was incredibly mute and didn't want to be there. It took a long time for me to even begin to tell my doctor about my nightmares and the constant fears I had that he'd jump through my bedroom window and finish off the job that he couldn't. Don't get me wrong, they were still prominent fears of mine and there's a possibility they always would be.

"What's with the file?" I asked, pointing at it.

"This is his file. I was going to ask if you'd like to go through it. It's quite confronting but perhaps it would help you get to know him a little bit better before going into Dr. Raynor's office." She offered the file to me but I shook my palms in a way to decline it.

"No, thank you. With all due respect, Dr. Donovan, I don't intend to get to know him after this. He has no place in my life. He lives in my head enough, I don't need him there too." I smiled slightly even though my blood began to boil with the sudden rage I had for the Winter Soldier. My eyes glanced down at the file and I won't lie, I was a little bit curious but I pushed the feeling deep into the depths of my other emotions. Reading through it would just anger me more and trigger me, I knew him enough by experiencing what he had done to me and what I had seen him do to my parents.

"Very well." Dr. Donovan didn't press it any further.

Suddenly, Dr. Raynor's door opened up quietly, not a squeak to be heard from the well-oiled hinges. "(y/n), Dr. Donovan, we're ready for the both of you if you'd like to come in." She stepped to the side, holding the door open for us to stride in and I suddenly felt suffocated by the heavy lump of fear that formed in my throat and my body felt bolted down to my chair.

The building around me had blurred out as the realization of me finally seeing the soldier for the first time since he was in my home sank into my mind completely, sitting there and putting pressure onto my brain.

You can do it. That's why you're here. To move on. One half of my brain reassured me but the other half of my brain, however, tormented me:

Can you do it though? I mean, he could quite literally finish his failed job.

It felt like I had an angel and a devil dawned on either side of my shoulders. Both of them tittering in my ears, one trying to console me while the other tried to break me from the inside out.

"(y/n)?" Dr. Raynor's voice snapped me out of my moment and I came back to the reality that was around me. I looked up at her, seeing both her and Dr. Donovan standing at the door and looking at me expectantly but more so curiously. It was easy to tell that Dr. Raynor was trying to read me which is something I didn't want considering that I had enough off of it from Dr. Donovan already.

"Are you okay?" My therapist cut in.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry." I apologized, pushing myself up off the chair as I didn't feel bolted down anymore. My feet were the last pair to step foot inside of Dr. Raynor's very minimalistic office, however, my eyes weren't interested in looking around. Instead, they laid upon The Winter Soldier who was sitting on the grey sofa, his glove-covered hands clasped together in his lap.

I was finally seeing him in the flesh once more except he obviously looked different. His chocolate-colored hair was cut short and those steel-blue eyes of his no longer held the murderous and bloody emotion that used to dance within them. Instead, you could see the damage shadowing them instead alongside the trauma. A pang of guilt flashed inside of me but it disappeared as quick as it came.

It still doesn't change the hurt and nightmares he caused me. 

I moved over to a nearby white leather chair that was directly across from the soldier but beside Dr. Donovan. We stared at each other intensely and the minute he moved the slightest which was to adjust his comfortability, I flinched thinking he was going to lurch himself at me and wrap that metal hand of his around my throat. My throat cleared itself awkwardly and I adjusted also, folding one of my legs over the other and intertwining my fingers tightly, my fingertips pressing hard enough against my knuckles to cause them to turn white. 

"James." Dr. Raynor's voice broke the heavy silence that lurked around the four of us in her office, "You know what to do." She urged him. 

James leaned forward now, closing over half of the distance between us that we had and my stomach lurched into my throat. His eyes held me in place with his pinning stare and it made me want to shrink into a little ball and roll away. I felt small, intimidated, and insignificant as his eyes continued to remain locked onto mine and I was too afraid to look away. 

"I am no longer The Winter Soldier. My name is James Bucky Barnes and you're part of my efforts to make amends."