Love: A Collection of Stories

Conflicted (An Anxiety Attack)

     I sat with my legs sprawled on the ground. I felt light-headed. My head was a balloon, and it was going to pop any second. My heart started beating, fast. Fast faster and FASTER. My head started rocking steadily, then my neck, and soon my entire upper body was in a sea-sick motion. A bead of sweat fell onto my arm, glancing at it I realized there were others too. Thoughts constantly raced into my head, but never emptied. Nonsensical noise filled space. Loud murmuring. I could hear it but I couldn't understand it. Finally, I understood. Now they're even more ridiculous. And I froze.

     I want to talk to him, I want him to be here. HERE. I want him to see everything I do, to meet my grandparents and my friends. I want him to be with me to endure my ex and his girlfriend in the halls. And I want him to want me. I want him to want me so much it kills him. I want to break his heart, to rip into a million pieces. Just to have him crawl back to me. Just to have him know what I'm capable of. So he'll know I'm not a pushover. Then he'll know what I'm worth. And I want him to believe it with every fiber of his being. If not as me, as a human being. To feel the same as I do. I want to be his top priority. I don't want to remind him of my birthday, I want him to remember. And I want him with me. I don't want to be his chore, his obligation. His pest. 

     With this, my eyes involuntarily got wider, a deepening crease in my worry lines between my eyebrows. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't relax those lines. The harder I concentrated on that spot, the deeper I felt those lines getting. The angle of my eyebrows becoming more obscure. I thought if I could ease it I would feel better.

     You know on TV where the devil is on one shoulder, and the angel on the other? And they're bickering back and forth, back and forth? Ladies and gentlemen, here they are. My devil was telling me to end all communication, never to speak to him again. "You deserve better," I said. "So much better". He'll never ever change and it's best to leave now before he does, before you'll be glued to him for even longer. 

     And the angel tried telling me to forgive him just one more time, even had the nerve to play a slideshow of every nice thing he said to me, did for me, convinced me of. "You belong together". ". . . and even if you don't he's the best you've got now.". "Everytime you listened to that devil you felt crappy. No, not crappy, Nothing. That's what you felt,". "And is that really the way to live your life? Feeling, thinking, DOING nothing?" 

     Devil retaliated, played a slideshow of every good thing I did for him, said to him and used a laser pointer to show me how it blew up in my face. And it wasn't what was said, it was what WASN'T said. What WASN'T done. 

     I weighed each side, each debate. I had taken both their sides before, and each led to the other. I had also taken a third option before. Freezing. Freezing, not saying anything. Not forgiving, not forgetting, not changing, and NOT saying anything.

     And without an effort, choice, or thought, it was the side I took again. In the midst of everything, I froze. I knew what would happen. I would be angry tonight, tonight I would listen to the devil. Tonight I would forget him and never speak to him again, tonight. Tonight I deserved better. He'll be forever the same, tonight. Tonight I'M leaving, to save myself.

     Tomorrow, and for a long period afterwards, I would believe the angel. For the foreseen future, it's crystal clear that we should be together. I would feel anything and everything. I would forgive and forget as much as I could, and I would browse wedding dresses and engagement rings online, near Hudson. I will pen Lissa Johnson over and over, but he'll never call me Lissa again. He will be the love of my life, as far as my friends know. And I will think of our children's names. I'll never tell him any of this. Especially the part where the devil and angel switch sides.