Love: A Collection of Stories

Time, and Hope

Maybe it's just my loneliness making a statement, but did I act too quickly? I know he's done it before, that he's made me feel sick, over and over and over. . . But did he do it THIS time? Am I jumping to conclusions? Explain to me why I feel like I'm about to cry, all the time. When I don't cry, and hold it in, the smallest thing sends me bawling.

I'm in a constant transition from the euphoria of being free and successful, to heartache. It's the little things that cause me grief mostly, like being able to talk to him and to see his face. That, and. . .him, made  me feel exponentially happy. And I should've known from feeling. . .almost high, that it was a bad idea. All I can do is hope he feels the same, because I know he hit one of my emotions, in the head. It doesn't hurt because it's not real yet, that's what he told me. And, of course, the entire next day felt like a weird dream. I would wake up and I could talk to him like nothing happened. I hate him even more for being able to read me like a book.

After listening to my iPod, I realized a couple things. Love songs define love as ever-lasting. If they don't last then it's not love. When it is love, one will love the other no matter what, forever. I disagree, I would venture to say I've felt love, true love. It just hasn't lasted for whatever reason. Part of the reason being that one person can't keep the entire relationship going. It just sucks when you realize you're that person. Giving and never receiving, and if you happen to receive a morsel of humanity, it keeps you baited along. Hope is really why it took so long to leave, why it's hard not to run back. And there's also other things, you know. The usual. Family, time, commitment. But all that would've been so easy, had he reassured me that that's not what's happening here. Had he remembered my birthday. Had he fought for me. Had he felt the same.

I don't like change. For so long I thought I did. New, different, exciting. But when that's your whole life. . .you just want consistency. Even if consistency isn't ideal, or even good. As long as it's decent that's enough. And you came at a point where change was happening all over the goddamn place. Home wasn't home, school wasn't the same. And you became a constant point. My whole world revolved around you. And that was fine, even great for a while. But it was a bad place to put my faith, trust, and reliance. Maybe it's not just relying on you, on people in general. I thought you were okay with it though. I thought I earned you in my life after I gave all my time and effort to you.

Did you actually understand what I was saying? Did you agree with it, believe it? Or did you just say so to make your life easier? Or, once again, was it because I was right? 

If you call me a pessimist, you're probably right. I'll cry because I don't see hope for the future. Not that there isn't, it just doesn't feel like it. I probably am one after the end of a relationship that lasted for two, three years.