Tea » author

what if i died tomorrow? (tw)

probably gonna delete this later 

Being written here because I don't have access to my secret diary at the moment. 

So yeah, life is hard. It flashes you a sliver of light, but takes away the leftover light that you had. I mean, this post is depressing, so if you are in a cheerful frame of mind, I wouldn't suggest reading this. This is just too sad for most of you guys' liking. 

There was a phase in my life when everything was great. I was in a happy mood for the most part. Yes, there were struggles like they have always been: my grade in math, pressure from parents, and friendships falling out. 

But I was happy. 

I was too carefree to even stress about those things at all. I lived in the moment. 

Then things started to go downhill. I bottled up the negativity that I had, and there was this challenge I had for myself: let's see how long I can hold back my tears and suffer inside. I lasted 6 months. 

And then... i don't know, I've told this story a thousand times to new doctors and friends. The story of my depression. I feel tired of revisiting those times again and again. But I won't break down because I'm strong, right? Right? I don't know anymore. 

I mean, I'm a hundred times better now. There were times when I went to sleep and woke up crying because I didn't die while I was asleep. I'm past that. 

But I still wonder, from time to time; what if i died tomorrow? 

Would it be saddening? Would anyone cry? I mean, yeah, my family would, but did I matter to anyone except having a blood relationship with them? 

Would anyone even notice that I'm gone? 

Honestly, I wake up every day for my family, and to update my stories for you guys. If I don't write, I feel empty and lacking soul. It's the only thing keeping me sane at this point. 

And the worst part is that my writing is deteriorating rapidly. Don't you feel the same too? 

It's so frustrating. 

When people jokingly say "oh god, i wanna die", I just smile along. I've almost been there twice. 

Yeah, after my first suicide attempt, I did feel guilty for putting my parents through that, but I resorted to that again because there was no way out. Don't worry, I won't do that again. 

I've written in my diary countless times: somebody save me. 

It's cheesy and all, but it's actually a cry. I would write this again here. 

Somebody save me. 

Please don't sadden yourself because of this. I just wanted to vent out. I can't say if I'm better after this, but I don't want to ruin your mood because of my nonsensical feelings.