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a day in the life of a depressed person

So I've been in depression for over 2 years now, and no, I'm not saying this because I've been sad for 2 years. I've actually been diagnosed with it so yeah. I thought I'd share my feelings with you guys, or is that outdated now?

Everyone tells me that I don't sound like a depressed person when I'm talking to them, and they can't guess if I am depressed or not, but then again, how do you classify a depressed person?

I know, nobody is interested but I'm just gonna write this down.

This is probably gonna be raw and real.

Anyway, let's start!

Me as of 24 September, 2020.

For my online classes, I am supposed to wake up at 9 AM, but I wake up at 8 because I need to have my homeopathy meds which are supposed to be taken 1 hour before I brush my teeth, since toothpaste contains peppermint and I'm prohibited to have strong flavours (the reason why I haven't had coffee this entire year).

So it's a difficult task to get me up in the morning due to my allopathic meds which I take at night, and when I wake up, I cry over why I woke up and go straight to my online classes.

They start at 9 AM exact (and that's exactly when I wake up) and I try my best to listen to what the teacher is saying before my voices kick in.

I forgot to tell y'all, I used to have voices in my head too. They aren't that prominent now but they're still there.

So I brush my teeth and do the morning chores in the 10 minute breaks we're given between the classes, and I skip my breakfast because I'm never hungry in the morning.

Once the classes end, I try to write something. I have my original novel to write, but I always end up procrastinating (sorry Chan, I've failed you) and end up writing my Wattpad books.

Honestly, it's really hard to write anything at all because even though I might be obsessed with a story that I'm writing, I can't gather my mind to come together and produce something good. It's very hard.

Yet, I sometimes write two chapters in a day (it's been like that for this week. Maybe it's a good week!) so I feel really accomplished and I reward myself with a cream biscuit lmaooo.

Then I'm blasting music the entire day, without stopping even for minute, because I need something to keep my mind busy before it starts with its negative shit again. Even while writing, even while TRYING to study, and even while trying to take a nap.

Then I try to convince myself that I'm not sad by not accepting the fact that I am sad.

Then my sister comes in and I have like the best time with her in the day, I shit you not. We crack silly jokes and insult each other and laugh like idiots. Plus, yaprishota. if you don't know what that is, I'll show you now.

This is yaprishota. You can guess what shit we watch lmao.

Then when she goes, I'm back to being melancholic and stupid, and I try to watch YouTube, but get bored in a few minutes again, so I watch BTS and SKZ crack to lift my mood.

It doesn't really help for more than 5 minutes tbh, but at least I have 5 happy minutes?

After that, I try not to cry and break down at everything that happens. This goes on until the time I sleep.

Then I receive calls from my friends and even though I need to pick their calls up and talk to them, this is what goes on in my mind:

"Seriously, Udeesha, you really wanna pick up that phone and talk to them? Are you sure about that? You'll be so fucking boring to them that they'll stop talking to you anyway. You really wanna lose your friends like that?"

So I don't pick up.

And it's already the evening by now, so I just try to pass time until it's the bedtime to go to sleep.

BUT then, I remember some inspirational quotes and how hardy favourite idols worked to pursue their dreams and I realize that I'm just wasting my time without even intending to, so at about 10 PM, I get inspiration to write and sing songs.

You can easily guess that I'm never successful.

So at 12, when everyone's asleep, I dim my phone's light and read fanfictions until 1 AM.

That's how it ends.

Damn, I wrote a hell lot lmao. Hope you enjoyed reading my misery.