Conquer

~25~

Photo by Anna Gru on Unsplash 

The tears have long since dried on my cheeks. I haven't moved in an hour - or at least it feels like that. He wasn't wrong to ditch me... I betrayed their trust, I lied, and I didn't even think twice about how they would feel if they ever found out.

Maybe I deserve what's happened to me. Maybe Barns and Annabeth 2.0 were wrong to believe in me. Whoever I am in that other life is not who I am in this one. I feel the rocks digging into my knees, and bow my head.

By now they must be on the edge of the city surrounding the palace. I wonder if they'll perish like all the other men before them. And our plan... the plan we conducted on our way outside the village required a sixth person. They'll manage without me, I tell myself.

I begin tracking my way to the village I fled from so many weeks ago. The tears fall on their own down my cheeks, and I do nothing to stop them. It is moments like these in life, when everything feels impossible, when the future isn't as bright anymore, and when you don't feel good enough - that is when the true strength within comes out. Its moments like these when you have to pull yourself up. Cause at this moment, no one is going to do that for you. It is up to you to find that strength, to find some way to take that next step forward.

I take a step toward my horse. Then another. I watch my feet lead me back to a life I'm not sure I want anymore, a life I won't ever fit in. The horse nickers. I run my hand down it's mane.

I need you to remember who you are inside.

Who am I inside? I am this girl who has been struggling under the thumb of men for too long. I am a girl who has an opinion, who sees other girl's opinions, who wants a voice, who wants to fight. I did not go as that girl to military camp. No, I went as Andrew Perch - a scrawny, young army cadet.

I am sinking, so far, down, down, down into the ground.

I remember my words to Percy, and how my heart in that moment was crawling up to my throat because I couldn't stop myself from sprouting the words, the seeds of truth I could no longer keep down. I was feeling so much pain, and still am.

This armour is so heavy. This armour has become my prison.

I feel sudden, building anger, like fire sparking from embers. I let myself become trapped inside the prison of what society expects of me. I let myself become trapped inside the expectations I've set upon myself. Percy's hurt face flashes before my eyes. I feel bad for lying to him but I do not feel bad for my actions to protect my family. I do not feel bad for being a girl in the army.

You blame yourself for their prejudices.

I grip the reins of my horse and haul myself up. The choice lays itself out before me like a sign, a fork in the road, two guided paths taunting. I could either go back to the village and let myself become smothered in regret and curiosity of 'what if'. Or I could go fight, as I am.

I can't wait idly by.

I must leave. Now.

I think of my family. Helen may have been hard on me, but she cared - and I didn't see that until now.

I can't let her go to war. She'll die, Fred.

I remember Bobby and Matthew, and wonder what they would think of a coward sister who turns from the truth, from a fight.

Don't pretend like you are completely alone.

I am not alone. I have my family, and a few good friends back at home. But they are not the ones I should be seeing first. My nightly conversations with Percy flash through my mind, my jokester moments with Leo, when I trained with Frank and he guided me through hand-to-hand combat motions, when Jason was one of my first real friends at the camp, and when Luke helped me regardless of our differences.

You have already brought them honour.

My hair blows in front of my face in dancing strands. I watch the path leading back to my village for a moment. It feels like this impossible life, this quiet, suffocating life that does not suit me. It may suit someone else, but I refuse to stamp out my flame now that it's raging into a fire. I silently blow a kiss to my family before clicking the horse onward - to the fight.

It takes time for change. But it all starts with you.

~~~

I ride for hours. The sun gradually moves across the clear sky, not a cloud in sight. I continue to ride in my gear as Andrew to avoid drawing any attention from villages I pass through and army patrols.

Throughout the time, I have plenty of room for thinking. I replay the scene of the boys leaving me on the side of the road, broken and lost. And I think of how I truly thought I was going to go back to the village for the first couple minutes. My mouth curls. And yet, here I am. Riding toward my fate, whatever it may be. I am not afraid of it.

The city surrounding the soaring palace comes into view, and I see Percy, Leo, Luke, Frank, and Jason packing up their horses - no doubt devising a plan for battle. Iytche no doubt has sieged the palace by now.

What happens if I don't fight Cruz?

For a while, this Cruz person has been someone I don't care about. But the name has fumbled through my mind on numerous occasions, and I can't help but wonder if Iytche is Cruz in another life, another world, another dimension. If facing her will allow me to realize my truth. But no, that's not right. Fighting someone does not do that. It's internally where it happens, when the fighter combats the mental side of a battle.

We just wanted to give you a chance.

I want that chance. I want to take down Iytche. I want to end this war. But most importantly -- I urge my horse into the valley, leading the way to the palace, and begin taking off my armour. This heavy armour that has weighed me down for so long.

You're living a lie.

I yank my hair loose, and breathe in - the armour no longer restricting my chest. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore.

You need to remember who you are, what you are capable of.

I see Iytche's men beginning to storm Percy and his group. They do not notice me riding into the battle, in the direction of the palace. Using my dagger, I knock a few of their soldiers down to the ground. Most of them swerve away from me, and I fight back a grin.

Are you happy?

When I clear the hoard of fighting men, I feel so light. All my heavy armour is on the ground behind me, save for a bit that cover vital organs - tightly pressed against my body. I savour the feeling of galloping through the city streets with my hair billowing behind me.

Live your truth.

No citizens peek through the windows. It is almost a ghost town. I feel the press of my dagger on my side, and urge my horse faster. The Queen may be dead already, but I won't bulk at the fight Iytche brings, nor will I bulk when Percy and the others see me when they catch up.

Who are you?

A free smile breaks across my face, and I set my eyes on the shining palace ahead.

I am Annabeth Chase. 

Have a great day/night wherever you are! - The Fangirl