𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝗜 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝟮 ⁑ t.holland

25. working double-time

I wish I could say that once the headaches and the vomiting stopped life got easier. But, that would just be a damn lie.

Sure, medically, I was fine, but emotionally? Physically? Mentally? It felt as though my whole life was coming apart and I had no idea how to stop it.
I wasted so much time before. I could've been writing or recording, I could've at least been posting on social media but I was a complete ghost. I had just given up on myself and everything I've been working towards for over 6 years now. 

I think the most painful part was that I did it without ever looking back. Almost my entire life music has been the one thing keeping me going and the second things got hard, I gave up on it like it meant absolutely nothing. I dropped everything and walked away and barely had any second thoughts unless someone was nagging me about how important this all was to me not long ago.

Tom being there definitely helped, definitely got my mind back on track. He helped me remember where this all really started and pushed me to get the closure I honestly didn't know I needed. 

It was undoubtedly bizarre to go back to a place I swore I'd never visit because of the insane amount of bad memories it carried. But, after everything, I'm glad I went back. I'm glad Tom pushed me to go back and help me move on from all the bad shit that tormented us during our last year of high school.

He made me remember all the good memories, all the nice things I simply ignored because of every bad memory that would send a chill down my spine every time I thought of them.

She stood up straight and rolled her sleeves up, obviously ready to throw a punch of her own. "Come on, Bella!" I laughed out over everyone else's screams. "Hit me!"

I spun on my heel and started walking backwards, a smile pulling at my lips. "Keep it going, I'm gonna start comparing you to Luke." I joked.
"Now, that's just insulting" He pointed his index finger out to me, making me laugh.
"Sorry, Holland, it's the truth." 

One of the athletes let out a laugh, grabbing onto her wrist tightly and pulling her in. Brooklyn tried pushing him away but he was obviously gonna have the upper-hand in this situation.

"The kiss?" He brought up, making my heart sink. "It replays itself in my head and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that I care so fucking much about you, Brooklyn."
"You remember that?" I breathe out.
Tom scoffed. "Of course I do. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me in a long time-- you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." 

Silence filled the alleyway, only the sound of distant cars echoing through. After a while, Asher turned to his group, his smirk growing wider when looking up at me again. He nudged his head up. "Get her." 

"I love you" 

That damn gunshot replayed itself in my mind for months and months on end. Especially after Tom had moved, I'd spend weeks at a time without a single second of sleep.

I know there was a lot of bad moments in Portland, but that isn't an excuse to forget all the good stuff. I wish I hadn't spent 6 years trying to forget about a place I used to call home, trying to forget about my family because they were a constant reminder of my life back there.

I wish I didn't try running away for so long because we all know that's what fucked me up in the first place. Not Tom leaving, not my mother's death, not the bullet in my side. Me running away from my past was what tired me out and fucked me over.